Ever wondered how vulnerability and pleasure can transform your life? In today’s episode, Jill Barrile, the creative mind behind BarebyBarrile, shares her journey from art therapy to boudoir photography.
If you’re ready to explore the powerful connection between body, mind, and intimacy, this episode is for you. You’ll discover how she’s helping clients embrace their true selves and feel confident in their skin.
In this podcast episode, Jill takes us through:
- Her transition from art therapy to boudoir photography.
- The emotional impact boudoir sessions have on her clients.
- How the pandemic led her to focus on her business and uncover deeper client needs.
- The pivotal moment that inspired her to pursue intimacy coaching.
- The importance of listening to your body and intuition.
- Reflections on sexuality and the personal blocks she’s overcome.
And so much more!
About Jill Barrile
Hi! I am Jill I am the owner of Bare By Barrile (formally Jillian Barrile Photography) I am a luxury boudoir and intimacy photographer.
My vision for Bare is more than a photography shoot but an entire experience based around your values, your celebrations, your journey, your heart, your rawness.
We take you to a place of creative freedom where you are able to connect with your body and sensuality more intimately, vulnerable, and presently than you may ever have before.
I walk alongside those who want to connect with their truth and open up their eyes to the possibilities in their life, stand strong in who they are, that allow them to live the life meant for them.
I have found my passion in working with individuals who are looking for more and deeper intimacy with self while uncovering who they are and their life’s purpose.
My background in the creative arts, psychology, trauma informed, and photography come together to create a space for empowerment, internal strength, and connection.
Connect with Jill on IG @barebybarrilewww.barebybarrile.com www.facebook.com/groups/barebybarrile/
LISTEN WHILE READING!
A: Hello and welcome to Free Your Soma, Stories of Somatic Awakening, and How to Live from the Inside Out. Today I have Jill Barrile with me, the owner of BarebyBarrile, a luxury boudoir photography studio and an intimacy coaching business.
She's trained in a somatic, pleasure-based approach to relationship dynamics, and today we're going to explore Jill's own journey to developing a connection to her body and sexuality and the three pillars of vulnerability, intimacy, and pleasure when it comes to the relationship we have with ourselves and with others.
So welcome, Jill, I'm so excited to have this conversation with you.
A: Every day there is a forgetting and every moment there is the possibility of remembering. Remembering who you truly are, awakening to your body, to the inner world, to the experience of being alive. Here is where you find the beauty, the joy, and here is where you free your soma. I'm your host, Aimee Takaya. I'm here to help you move from pain to power, from tension to expansion, and ultimately from fear to love.
J: Me too, thank you so much. Oh, it's so cool to hear it, like spewed out like that. Thank you so much for the introduction.
A: Yeah, well, because you've been in business with the photography for a while, you've been doing boudoir photography, and then there's this newer element that you're bringing in that you've been trained very deeply in over the last year, and so you're kind of adding this new dimension to it. So I guess there's like a rebranding going on, there's a restructuring right?
J: Yes, oh there's yeah we're in the middle of like a rebrand kind of moving into like keep saying like our business is maturing and so we're kind of moving into this yeah this new space and it's because of the intimacy of coaching that we're bringing in, deepening our photography practice even more so we're very excited, very excited to get it launched and out there for the people and myself included.
A: Yeah, yeah, so tell us a little bit about, like you know, when did you start your business and, like, how did you get involved in boudoir photography? Like, give us a little bit of your backstory here.
J: Yeah absolutely so I started doing photography in gosh okay so I started when I was 20, I'm trying to remember the year exactly when that was, I'm 34 now so imagine 14 years ago and so I started in college and I you know I really fell in love with the art form.
I studied art therapy so it was sort of like a balance to that so I have a little bit of a therapy background as well so I kind of used that a little bit of approach in my work like more subconsciously I think than anything.
But yeah I started kind of doing stuff then, photojournalism and fine art and when I graduated I went into you know I've dabbled in different jobs and whatnot, started working for a photo studio that did mostly wedding that's kind of where my roots a little bit started as well like learning kind of like the business aspect of the photography because I'm like I knew I loved it but I don't really know what to do with all this.
It was sort of a long journey of, like taking different jobs on and just yeah, like kind of learning different like genres, I guess, um 2015, I actually moved away for a while, lived in Peru, and had this whole experience down there and it was sort of in that time where I decided like I want to go full-time into photography, I traveled, I was ready to start my business, I had done everything else possible and for myself anyways and I was like all right.
I'm ready to like take on this like entrepreneurial journey when I like return back to the States, and that was in around 2016, and I started really doing everything like said yes to everything and anything that came my way, and as I was progressing through it I had done a little bit of boudoir in these old studios I'd work for and it was like always something like oh I can't wait to like really do that like I just didn't know how or like you know I didn't have the roadmap necessarily for it but anytime I had a chance to do a boudoir shoot I just noticed how lit up the clients were after.
In a way, I never experienced with any other type of photo shoot before where they're leaving feeling like lighter and more connected to themselves, and I noticed that early on but not really like fully understanding the scope of like what they were experiencing and so in 2020 I with everything shutting down in the world, events, the weddings, all those other you know like bigger events that I was like photographing that slowing down like allowed me to bring my boudoir business more online.
I moved to a bigger studio in that time space and really started to notice like what the clients were coming there for it was so much beyond just wanting to have sexy photos or like that type of experience it was so much more about the internal and like connecting to themselves and like using really for using the sessions as like milestones of chapters like closing a chapter celebrating something like knowing that they were wanting to give themselves this kind of love and using creativity to sort of use that which was really beautiful and it was not something I was super connected to when I first started.
I was just like, I really love this and drawn to it, but I didn't know really the like the scope of what this was doing for my clients, and so as I was telling earlier, the intimacy coaching aspect came online through a lot of different stuff but mostly because clients were coming to me saying that they weren't ready yet to do this. But they had like a deep desire they were drawn to it, and I'm like, you got to listen to that first off, you're showing up to have a conversation about something, and you do feel scared, and that's like normal.
But the ones that wouldn't like go through with it it was like okay when you're ready come back and see me and it was through that knowing that I could do I feel like I can help in this space there's somewhere something here where I've walked myself through that feeling of feeling like this isn't like being scared and like totally like shut down to something and being able to go to the thing that I actually.
A: Right, move through those blockages, move through the blocks, and yeah, so you kind of sensed, you know, and it's interesting because I think, you know, as an entrepreneur, there's so much personal growth that's required to keep showing up for your business and keep going out there and self-promoting.
There's a lot of that's why you know, with entrepreneurship and self-development, it pretty much goes hand in hand because in order to keep going like you really have to dig deep into what's holding you back, you know to become a successful entrepreneur and in this case, it's like you know you started noticing that your clients were having these blockages and it maybe even reminded you at just like you said of pieces of yourself places in yourself that felt this block.
I mean there was one right there which was like am I really I feel like I might be able to help this person move through this really sensitive space that they're experiencing and help them be ready for something that they really want in their life.
And yet I have maybe this little bit of a block in my side myself where I don't feel like I'm qualified or I'm ready or who am I to help this person move through that block, but you felt like that inclination, and so tell us a little bit about like what brought you to the point where you said okay like I'm gonna go ahead and go for it I'm gonna do this intimacy coaching program and develop myself to be that person I can already just like imagine myself to be see that I'm capable of that.
J: Yes, oh okay, good one's you saying that because it's I go I can go back to the moment that I signed up for this course, and there's you know, so much like led up to this moment itself but I'll I'll speak on this first because I it was such a tell of how Sean I like where I've come to really listen to the tells of my own soul my own body because I get like such set yeses and noses in my body.
Now that I like cleared out a lot of stuff and like a very tuned with my own system essentially and so it was probably I started my training in October of this past year of 2023, and just a few weeks leading up to that, I was like having this itch I'm like there's something I'm supposed to be doing or like just this like inclination of like what is this next thing like I feel like there's a missing piece of my business that I can't see yet and I'm like I just don't know what it is I just it was like feeling, and so I kept getting approaches.
And like different things coming into my field of like oh there's this like you know program you could try or this or that, and it just was like okay like there's a lot of things coming into my field I'm trying to digest them is like what's the direction to go in so I honestly just took a night that I lit a candle, and I wrote out all these offers that were like coming to me I just put them on like different sheets of paper on my table and I was really like sort of just moving through this like I don't even know who's like a meditative state or just like kind of writing down.
I was kind of coming to my coming to me, and one was I want to be a sex and intimacy coach or educator, and that was the one after I wrote it I was like, that's what I'm supposed like that's what I want to do like that felt the most sure and I'm like I actually wrote out the thing that I want to be, and so I was like okay well that's it how I'm going to do this I'm not really entirely sure, and it really was like I think I got on a down a rabbit hole of like research like a maybe a week after that after I wrote that kind of like you know you write it and then it just okay we'll see what happens type of thing.
And I went on this just started like journey and this like researching and I happened upon this website and it's called the somatica method is the training program I went through and so I was looking into their stuff I felt like really like drawn to them because they are like a pleasure-based approach like they want to go through they want to take you through this but in a way that doesn't feel like you're just in sitting in all of your pain but really like moving through it through a place of pleasure and joy and like excitement and bliss and that's like where I was coming from.
Like, I want people to move through stuff with that type of intention, I guess, and so I noticed I was like, okay, well the training starts tomorrow, and I'm like do I do this and so I sent them an email of like I don't know like when your next one is, and the lady called me like right away and was like well it starts tomorrow do you want to do it.
I'm like, I think I do because the other one didn't start till April, and I was like, I think this is exactly what I'm supposed to do it was scary it was a big investment um, but there was so much yes behind it where I got off the phone with her I'm like okay give me a few hours to figure this out um and I emailed her back that night and I'm like no this is I want to do it.
I'm I'm all in and so it was like really just a very quick sort of thing but like such a sure feeling of like this is the next thing for me and so um just a testament to somatics in general like just knowing like in your in your body like when a yes is a big yes has really changed my life to be honest and now being able to like help people listen to those that part of them is pretty awesome.
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A: Yeah, well and you know sexuality is such a sensitive place for so many people because it's where many people carry some of their first kinds of wounds, you know, about their identity or about, like how they operate in the world, you know, like there's a lot that people are I guess vulnerable to when they go into that space in themselves where they're actually allowing their themselves to feel you know pleasure and things like this can you say a little bit about like your experience kind of with your own sexuality you mentioned kind of feeling that you would have had times in your life where you felt like there was a block in the way right yeah so
J: And I could probably spiral it back I haven't actually gone fully back into my personal childhood first experiences, um, per se, but there's always been like an interest of like sexuality throughout my entire life like that's definitely been like a string or whatever you want a path of mine that has been curious about um but I would say what kind of led me to this in a in a deeper way and I would say even if I even traveled back.
Like, I was obsessed like at the time, like when I was little, like with um, I don't know if you remember Dr. Roof I think she was yeah watching her like I remember like sing a bleed to watch that, so there was always this sort of like oh I want to be like this little old lady one day.
So there's always this interest, um, but really like, what kind of had me like walk through it on my own was probably when was it so in 2020 I also got pregnant with my son he was very unexpected uh, and walking through that whole experience of something like so pleasurable and like the experience of going through pregnancy in a sort of unknown world because it was 2020 and also like in a in a way with someone that um I wasn't really being met by my system started shutting down.
Like in that capacity of like my sexuality, my um like humanness, my personality, like a lot of me disappeared in that time period, and so what felt like it disappeared I was very like just really disconnected at the time and entering and kind of having this experience of becoming a mother and also splitting with his dad at the same time.
I remember leaving that relationship feeling like a complete shell of myself I was like, I am there's an outside of me, but like everything inside of me is just like there, and it doesn't nothing is aligned, and I I remember using that language so like this is like how I using that language to describe where I was of like I just feel like my body is like completely twisted like I feel like part of me is over here part of me is over here.
And all I want to do is get into alignment, and I just don't even know what that looks like, what that feels like, but really feeling like this all this garbage or I don't even know how to explain it necessarily in a it's a really felt feeling that I felt at the time um but getting out of this relationship and realizing how far I let myself get away from me was like the mirror I needed and I started working.
I didn't really realize this until I started working with my own personal coach, who came into my life because of a kind of a weird coincidence um through social media, essentially of like her saying she wanted to work with me and being like, I need to work with you actually too and so when that like when I came together with her she really helped me see myself and work through clearing out my system and realizing these patterns that were happening inside my body and like realizing like educating myself on like what actually was going on the trauma responses I was having to just other people like in different totally different experiences outside of that relationship.
And being like, I can't live like this the rest of my life, and so really taking the time to clear that out helped me so much, and I would say it was in the beginning of last year 2023 we had finished our work together mostly um where I felt good, but I also like everything felt good except for my sexuality like I wasn't I still wasn't connected to that piece of me I was still like blocked off I didn't really I wasn't really interested in relationship even though I wanted it it was sort of like that same feeling my clients get of.
Like, I really want a relationship, but I'm like, there's still so much that I haven't been able to let go of there, um, between patterns and just being scared, honestly, it was like a big I was just really scared, and so I decided to make another big investment with her and say like I want this time dedicated to my sexuality and she does tantra and like lots of different approaches to sexuality as well ceremonially and things like that um and I swear like once I like kind of decided that that was my focus was going to be everything started to open up again.
I was like guided through her to be like, it's okay, and it's safe to take this part of myself back and allow myself to explore again because I guess I never, like, I didn't have that space to explore, uh in that relationship and so that's what kind of brought me to this place of like wow I went from being completely close off from relationship from sexuality like I I mean I most people don't know this, but I was like sell a bit for like a year and a half because I was like I just don't want anyone like in my in this kind in my space because I just can't bring them in and so when it was time to finally like open that part of me back up it was like okay.
I need the support along the way, and it was like such a it was a miracle it felt like it's such a miracle to me because I didn't know I felt like I lost that part of me and actually, after about four months working with her, I ended up meeting someone my part my current partner and like so much opened up for me in that relationship and even through us getting to know each other uh so much of our the work I had done showed up there where I got to like I wasn't always doing stuff for him.
I was like, I'm having these conversations with him for me, yeah and it really changed my approach to relationship of like show up into your relationship for yourself in a sense as well like I'm going to bring my vulnerability in a in a sensible way necessarily um to this relationship because the more I can like share the more he can understand me and the more we can't, the closer our intimacy can be and so it's been a journey especially this past year of going from like completely closed off to be in this like relationship that's like allowed me to bloom to now like coaching in that so it's been really full circle now that I'm saying everything out loud
A: yeah yeah, it sounds like quite, you know, quite a big shift and a pretty short amount of time, you know, from, you know, having your child and feeling like this sense of everything kind of being taken away or being like suppressed and not feeling like yourself anymore and then also realizing that like you couldn't continue on that way you know and I think that anybody who goes into the coaching field is doing that because they had some kind of transformational experience with a coach or with a mentor of some kind because that kind of relationship where someone is guiding you in these really intimate ways like you're is really powerful and really you know.
In so many ways it's kind of not only like re-parenting you know with someone they're kind of stepping in as like your you know um your guide who is being the model for you like the role model that maybe you didn't have around certain kinds of relational experiences or sexuality right but then they're also standing in as like a friend and like a confidant and like you know something much more than that.
And so I think that you know this relationship that you had with your coach has served as a model for kind of even how you want to operate moving forward, you know that level of depth that you want to be able to offer people, and I think that the way that you're doing it combining it with photography is really fascinating because it's a very intimate thing to take a picture of somebody representing them representing a part of them maybe even if perhaps they're costumed and they're you know performing a little bit and they're they're expressing themselves creatively you're still capturing like an essence of like part of them right.
And so I can see how these two things actually blend together really beautifully in you know in the setting that you're providing, right, and I love also that you know it sounds like you have had the experience of success in moving through blockages that felt really immense that felt really unmovable and that you had that experience of success moving through that because then you carry that hope for people you carry that you know that confidence that even though this feels really difficult at this moment, there is a possibility that you can be on the other side of this you know like I used to say.
Like when I first started working with clients at the level that I'm working with them now, when I would sit there listening to what someone was going on with someone who's in chronic pain, someone who's feeling really stuck, you know someone who's feeling bogged down by all the mental and emotional pressure that they're experiencing I was like this is like time traveling I feel like I'm talking to myself from seven years ago.
J: Isn't that so beautiful like, I love that too because, like, I think as like coaches or leaders in this, it's like we're not really that far ahead of you, if not even ahead of you, but we're just kind of like going a little bit first but ever like we're kind of walking through this together at the same time like we're leaving each other in a sense because yeah we've been there we walk through it and it is a I would say like I mean I also went to therapy at the time, but the therapy helped me like like rehash some stuff but like the coaching really helped me move my life forward like it really helped me take the last you know three years.
And what I felt like would have would have probably taken me 10 years I feel like I did in like a year and a half three years at this point where I feel like I'm in like above, not above it but like fully out of it in a completely different life and so I think there's something really magical too about like coaching and like having someone like help lead you through this I have like been through it before because you don't really get that always in like other avenues of like trying to work through your blockages like I think you know maybe on a side level they'll like tell you the things that you should get done but like really to walk through something hard to really move blocks it takes a little bit of that I think it does help take like working with somebody that has been through it I
A: guess, right well, and that's one of the things that is actually, I mean, I didn't know this recently, but like there are lots of therapists out there who have not been through therapy themselves or have done the minimal amount if their program even required it so I I assumed for whatever reason I assumed that if you're a therapist with like a master's in psychology that it would have been some kind of prerequisite or requirement to go through these you know to have a therapist and go through therapy yourself apparently it is not a requirement.
And that's a pretty thing it's bizarre, right and I talked to a few different psychotherapists recently who said that there are people who go through, you know, the schooling for all of that who never go through therapy as the patient as the the patient or the client and who also if they do if they are part of some kind of specialized program they do like the cheapest most minimal amount that they have to like kind of is like if you were just you know going through the motions to get your papers you know what I mean.
For school, you might not go to the most expensive, you know, college if you feel like you could just get like you know the bare minimum covered you know with the amount of money that you know have allotted for this or whatever so that was really shocking to me when I learned that and that's that's a difference between I think that you know ideally and maybe I don't know enough about the coaching role to say this but like ideally someone who is a coach has been coached significantly a lot you know so they've been on the receiving end that's maybe one of the differences between you know talk therapy and coaching.
J: Yeah and I'm sure like not all the coaches have coaches but like it's always like that's the kind of the thing is like well every coach has a coach like like how a therapist or therapist with me I assumed as well but I guess at the same time like I personally feel like I need to do everything my clients have done so like I did.
Like I did a boudoir shoot I've done a few at this point where I'm like I just want to feel the same experience of like walking into a place where I don't know anybody and having this experience with a stranger because I want to feel what that feels like it helps me become a better business owner and photographer and just like be able to relate to what they're feeling but that's like a personal for me I always have I'm like I have to do it in order to feel what it feels like and then I can like bring it to people or whatever.
I think that's like how I learn as well, so um, but also, I think yeah you, you should if you're doing it like walk in the walk like gotta get yourself in the in the muck a little bit right it feels like sure the one thing I even when it comes to like the therapy stuff too is that um sexuality is not really like taught in normal like if you can like uh specialize I think a little bit more and like sexuality and uh like gender and things like that but they don't really teach a lot of people about how to like for instance like find out like maybe um they have an std or how like uh there's like a pain in the body and like how to work through that.
Like they don't really teach a lot or like having trauma like sexual trauma there's not a lot of uh work even in my course there's like over like a hundred people that we were you know doing this training I'm doing and some are family therapists uh and a lot of them are like yeah there's no training in family therapy around like sexuality which is it blows my mind because I mean it doesn't in a sense because I know where we are like as a culture um.
But it also is like one of the most basic things that we do as human beings like we should learn how to like use it as a as a way to like bond and as tool, and it's like such a it feels like so taboo in so many worlds where it's kind of one of the things like it shouldn't be so taboo it should be like kind of a basic knowledge or it should be basic like uh part of a curriculum that it's not a part of so that's like another thing I'm very you know passionate about is like sexual health and like education around that aspect of it too just like there's so much shame we do a lot of work and shame as well in this practice of like de-shamifying the things that we hold are holding on to especially around our like sexuality and our sexual health so
A: yeah, well, and it's intertwined with how you know, we feel about our bodies or how we've been taught to externalize our bodies and, you know, rather than live in them like see our bodies as like a project or as like something that needs to be improved or that isn't good enough until such and such a point until I lose 10 pounds.
Or, until I look this way or that way that we are not allowed to enjoy being in our body until that something happens until I you know get more musculature or whatever it is like men and women have different hang-ups about that where we will you know deny ourselves you know the joy of sensation and pleasure in our bodies until we get we get to some you know perceived point that you know we've determined that is usually from the outside it's some kind of you know rule that we're putting on ourselves from the outside rather than what would I do you know.
If I just wanted to like feel good in my body, and a lot of people, you know, they still do those things to feel good in their body, but then they feel really bad about them, and they hide them, and they shame themselves about them which in turn like strengthens that desire to do these things you know but then they don't feel good about and turns into this cycle this shame cycle right versus like really just owning like how you feel and that maybe it is okay to enjoy what you enjoy you know obviously like with the caveats here about like hurting other people and harming people you know what I mean.
But like the you know, the being able to enjoy your own body and and receive and feel pleasure in your own body and not feel like there's something wrong with that or that you know there's something you know I struggled with a lot of this and throughout my early life I felt like you know it tied in a lot with like my own beliefs about whether I was worthy of love in general you know worthy of pleasure is worthy of love am I worthy of feeling good you know and I grew up with this feeling like there was something innately wrong with me that there was just something broken or something wrong with me that couldn't be you know resolved or fixed or you know.
And so I was constantly seeking, you know, not only proof that that was true proof that there was something wrong with me but I was also seeking for someone else to come in and tell me that I was okay you know, and it's through the somatic work honestly it's through their rebuilding and reconnecting to feel all of my body and feel safe to be in all of my body that that feeling of there being something innately wrong with me no longer has that control or that pull on me right it's it's softened and it leaves like space for other feelings to come in other sensations you know it leaves room for pleasure and joy and happiness to actually arise spontaneously in my body right when I'm not blocked with that something's wrong with me feeling for sure.
J: Yeah, absolutely I remember, like, some of my earliest like sexual or sensual experiences like feeling so much like I couldn't tell anybody about it like it was like a shameful thing or like it was such a secret, like I was definitely a secret keeper like I was like I can't tell anyone about like these type of things, and so I remember like ruminating on them for years like being like I did this thing and it's like and maybe if I had the education around I had or like this there was like a more of a like I think more education like how like what this actually is and like knowing like what the act of whatever it was doing plays out like in the body.
And like not being seen as like a bad thing I think maybe I would have had a different approach but feeling like really bad about myself for engaging in certain activities or just like even thinking about it was like okay like I'm not gonna I know I didn't talk about it like ever until I probably years after um with friends maybe in college or something like that so it was it definitely stems of that like.
I wish that in a young age of like, there's curiosity so young in us, and there's a lot of messaging of to not allow for that type of pleasure to come up and what happens when we push things down for our whole lives is like it gets stuck as we know like it gets stuck in us and it's it turns into shame and calluses and then it takes years for us to like undo that if we if or even if we can even acknowledge like what that is like because that even is like it's old and dirty in itself of like okay what does it actually come back to.
Is it my sexuality is it something else you know so um but I have a very strong pull of like yeah if we have better if you like had a better understanding of like how it all works have we used and being able to relate to each other on a level that is vulnerable, but also in a strong way, because I approach it as when we can be vulnerable with somebody, our connection with them can deepen. And that's maybe what the intimacy piece is. That's when that deepening of our connection with our relationship and with ourselves happen.
A: Well, no, and maybe you can give us a real-life example of something maybe that you moved through or that you saw people move through in your program. Like, what might someone come to you with that is requiring these pillars of vulnerability, intimacy, and pleasure for them to move through this thing that feels unmovable? Give us an example.
J: Yeah, let me think of something that... So it's kind of cool, like in the program, so this first half of the training, we did everything. So, again, when you were saying, like, putting yourself where the people are, we had to do...the whole training was us going through all of the exercises as a practitioner, as a student, and all this stuff would come up for you.
And so we had to really move through the whole training as if we were a client. And so that was really good in being like, okay, how did this feel for me as I was moving through? I'm trying to...I'm going to try to think back of there was like a specific place where...
I'm trying to think of like maybe a specific weekend because it was every weekend, once a week, one weekend a month for six months to remember exactly if there was like a specific moment or a specific thing I was kind of working through. I know...I would call my partner pretty much right after all of our things, and I'd be like, I have to open up to you about this.
So I know there was like this like thing happening for me of like, well, like I'm sharing so vulnerably with these people, and it made me want to go to my partner and like bring something up with him anymore. And like, instead of maybe turning into a fight or turning it into like you're not doing this for me, I want to like bring this to you in a way of like I'm being vulnerable and I'm feeling maybe like insecure about something I want to...
I'm working through this and I just want you to know. And that really like I think helped our relationship because we weren't living together. We don't like see each other a couple of times a week, maybe. And being able to like have the verbal like verbiage to say like, I'm not doing okay and nothing to do with you. But I want you to know like I'm moving through something right now. This actually happened. That kind of brings me up something personal.
Just a couple weeks ago. And I attest this to being able to work through this because of this methodology as I was having sort of like a... I've never felt this kind of low in a while and I was just having like a very low couple days where like, I felt what I end up coming to terms with like very undervalued and disrespected, mostly in my business.
And so I was like, I felt like I kept hitting these blocks in my business. Just having like this not amazing interactions with clients or just feeling like this turbulence within myself. I don't know that it was showing necessarily an outside, but I was feeling like this just deep sense of like being undervalued for the work that I'm doing essentially. It was what I'm kind of thinking down to.
And I realized in that time of like how that was happening. I was also, me and my partner, we just moved in. We have three kids between the two of us. And there was just a lot of turbulence with kids like learning the other toddler.
So they're like, you know, we're not of lack of like, I don't even say control, but there was just a lot of kind of chaos in that space as well where like my son was acting out a little bit and like learning how to like, instead of just like numb out, which was like my old approach of like, I got to like, I just got to go do something else. I'm going to go numb out and go edit my pictures or whatever.
Like that's something I would go do is like a coping mechanism, which sometimes helps. And other times it would be like, okay, you're not dealing with what you're actually feeling right now type of thing. And so like that was happening. And so it felt like there's these two, two of the most important things in my life, both like really rocking my world. And it just started to manifest like I felt this deep pain or like heaviness in my chest and it just like could not get rid of it.
And it was just sitting there for about two days and kept growing. And then my partner came to me and he was like, talking to me about something that he needed to bring up with me. And so it was just like the last thing of like, oh, like, okay, there's like another thing that I feel like I'm not, I don't want to, I don't have like a perfectionism thing, but I'm like, I'm really not doing good at this thing too. And he wasn't saying that, but like I was trying not to take it that way. And what I had probably done in previous relationships is what I was like, okay, I need to fix this. Like I need to fix the problem.
I need to apologize. I need to like, you know, do this like big, like, well, you did this and that's why I did this and sort of like that conversation. I'm sure a lot of us get into as like when we're in a relationship or like, well, I'm going to blame.
I did this because of that and make an excuse for like why I did this certain things. Our little thing, TIFF was over just, I can't exactly even remember of course, because that's usually how it goes. And just as having that conversation the next day, instead of being like, hey, can we sit down and talk? Because I was feeling so bad. I was like, we're going to go. We'll come back in a few hours.
And that's it. Like I need some space essentially. And I'm like, I've never like that was a growing moment for me. So I'm like, I never would be like, oh, I need space. I just, I would be like, let's hash it out.
Let's like, buckle through. Let's have this long conversation and this really emotional state. And I came back and I still was feeling a little off, but I like laid in the bed and he comes in and he's like, are you mad at me? And I'm like, I'm not, has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with what I'm working through right now and just me feeling bad.
And I kind of just need to sit in my feeling bad state. And he sat with me and he was like, okay, like, and that was like a big moment. I feel like in our relationship of being like, I'm feeling bad. I don't want to bring you down to this, but I want you to know like, I'm going to be sitting in this for like maybe a little bit.
And I think even him just coming in like laying with me and being receptive. I shifted out of it. I shifted out like being able to be vulnerable and tell him like, no, it's nothing you did. Like, even though I could have blamed something, I'm much something he did or something else outside of myself. It was really just my own thing I had to work through. And so staying vulnerable with him, I realized like I'm letting my boundaries be crossed in other areas of my life. I'm blowing my standard to meet other people's needs.
And once I like kind of sat with that and realized those things, I'm like, this is what it is. I'm feeling undervalued. I'm feeling taken advantage of. I'm not holding my boundaries in parts of my life. And after realizing that, I was able to kind of move through it and make those changes.
And so like to me, that's like the approach. It's like something kind of cut me down. I sat in it for a while and I was able to actually see what was happening, like rather than being blaming this like, oh, the kids threw something or were really loud or like being disrespectful.
It really came down to like how I was feeling about the situation, everything that was outside myself. And so that was a big moment, like in relationship of using the work instead of creating a fight, really using it as like a moment of like, okay, we got to I got to shift some stuff. I got to move some things and right.
A: Well, it takes a lot actually like, you know, what you described of like kind of usually being the person who would push through and be, you know, going for this like hyper emotional conversation to maybe even like get some of that catharsis to like get it off your chest or like get that energy out. And instead to just choose instead to like gently contain it and be with it and take the space to like allow that energy to keep moving without it having to be like explosive or dumped on the other person.
That is a huge, you know, step in the direction of I guess we could call like emotional maturity, you know, because I can relate to your story I can relate to that, you know, being that person who just be like okay I guess we're just going to have to go through this while I'm in this really like overwhelmed state. And there's nothing wrong with doing that it's not like we're saying like that's a wrong thing to do. It's just it's not the only way to do something and to feel like oh I could do that, or I could also just take some space. I could do that, or I could like just take the moment to lay here in the bed and like feel my feelings and let them be like this word this phrase has been coming in really strong for me like, can we just let this exist.
Without having to fix it or aggressively process it or transmute it instantly into a positive thing. Right like can we just sit with it and allow this feeling to exist because a lot of times like that's what our body wants is for us to feel what's coming up because there's information there.
You got that information that that you know that you were feeling dis disrespected or you weren't feeling valued but then you could also see how you know you were playing a part in that to you were lowering your standard, you were maybe not communicating and letting people know like where you really stand on things and stepping forward as your own self advocate, you know, and then that was creating this feeling in you.
And so your body's trying to get your attention through thoughts and feelings and emotions you know we live in this world where we think our thoughts and our emotions are somehow separate from our body. But I've learned I've learned through lots of experience that my thoughts are my body. It's another form of my body talking to me when I'm having thoughts.
Strong emotional states are my body trying to get my attention about something that my conscious mind is not not aware of not totally grasping and so there's all this alarm bells and noise going off to try to communicate something to me.
And it's only through kind of what you just described doing and slowing down and quieting things in various ways getting that space taking that moment, you know, letting someone actually know, I'm going through something here. You know, let me have this like can you let me exist in this experience, which is essentially what you asked of him can you let me exist here in this feeling.
And in that way saying that allows you to exist for yourself in that space like it deepens that to communicate that, you know that these uncomfortable sensations and intrusive thoughts or whatever it is is allowed to exist right now in me.
J: And all of that we got like exactly and like, I think there was even some shame around being like I need to hold it together I need to have like this like I don't want to like perfect image that he has of me to be, you know, like, I keep painting like, yeah, painted like in it.
Like I don't want to yeah like paint or, I don't know just like turned into like something that I'm not or whatever I don't know what exactly like, I see so many more visuals these days where I'm like I just see it as like yeah like an ink, like, put on to me or like a black spot or something like that that I'm like I don't want him to see that but like, through that, our relationship can get closer like they will like open those things up and like I don't I don't suggest anyone to be like okay let me tell you about everything right in the, you know, maybe in that moment but are like, you know, like, it's over time, intimacy build vulnerabilities built.
And you don't even know what's going to come up that is going to deepen a connection with somebody but I think having tools, maybe such as this like where it's like, and something's coming up, acknowledging there's feelings happening, and then sitting in it for longer than maybe what feels comfortable and then you know, like, I've been taking action, which action may be like doing nothing but like taking some sort of action.
Those are like the rest of like I kind of follow with myself of like, this has been tapping at me, let me sit in it let me see what it's the information is giving me like just like you said like because the bad feelings give us more information than all the good ones like, I want to sit in my bliss all for good day let me tell you but at the same time like, you know what I mean, I don't know what I'm talking about that feels uncomfortable, and like, anxiety written like those are the ones I want to sit with because that's where the growth is that's like our, our edge right like that's where the edge where we meet our edge of like personal growth.
And that's what fascinates me it's like once you can like figure out what that is we can sit there and allow that anxiety to come up that was nerves to come up and actually listen to what it's telling us, because it might not be that exact action of like what we're what we think it is like what our brain telling us it is it's really something else and that's like, you said like dipping down into the body and act be like, okay, it's not because that I'm having to do something that's uncomfortable, like, give a speech or whatever it really has to do with my like sense of self worth and I got to work on that maybe or something like that so it's fascinating.
Yeah, coaching call like someone might actually, we might bring up something that's super uncomfortable and they in the coaching call, going through these steps of like, well I'm going to aggravate something or bring a feeling up for you through maybe an exercise.
And we're going to sit in that together in this safe space, where you have the time and the ability to sit in it with somebody. And then maybe there is an action that comes afterwards. And so like, that's what kind of makes this a little different is like, go through it of like, bringing those things up so you can move through them.
Yeah. So when you're in your real life, you can actually practice the stuff and like already kind of start to get to know those feelings and knowing how to manage them and what your body is actually telling us because all of our bodies do different things. Right.
A: And then, how would you say that the pleasure element comes in I mean here it is we've kind of sat through these feelings maybe there's been some kind of action that arises to address the, you know, what the feeling was trying to communicate to us.
And then, you know, kind of when I think of like a completion or like a full circle with this it's like coming back to being able to receive and feel good, you know, after this cycle of kind of dipping into the darkness, you know, the sun comes up again so tell us a little bit about that.
J: Yeah, so like the pleasure piece could be even not ever going to have a place to explore their pleasure and we could start as simple as like doing breath work with them where they're like connecting to like their heart and their chest and like their hips and really dipping into their body and feeling really like held in that space.
To explore like more of their sexuality and I think that's kind of a having a container where we can like talk about sex and the pleasures that maybe feel like are behind closed doors. And so, like, the desire for the desires is pleasurable and exploring like the desires that we have that are feel like maybe weird or maybe just uncommon or something like that, giving it space is also very pleasurable so like something that we practice.
Someone's like wanting to deepen their like maybe their sexuality or spice things up people say like that's like a big desire people want if they come to like a couple's therapy is, you know, maybe we have like mixed lapidos or we're just sleeping together forever like how do we like, how do we get back to that or like how do we deepen and so like, I think a lot of it through vulnerability and being able to talk about our desires so like one of the first things we would start with is.
If we're feeling like ready for it is talking about our core desires like how do we want to feel when we show up to an intimate situation how do I want to feel in any situation with you like we have a date night kind of how do we want to feel there rather than like oh we're going to go and have the dinner and do the thing and have a drink but like, what is the feeling that we want to create, you know, like I think about that kind of stuff all the time and then bringing it to the bedroom of like how do I want to feel when we're together.
When we're intimate like do I want to feel dominated do I want to feel like the sense of like taping taken or is it more like, I just want to feel completely loved and sensual and it doesn't need to be anything like. I quote on a nasty or like, you know, like extra kinky or whatever it could just be a feeling of I just want to be fully like feeling so loved by you and then we talk about what that could look like and so I think that kind of brings in that more.
Pleasure piece of being like, not just about the act itself but really come back to the feeling that we want to have in our bodies, but when we're having these experiences with each other.
A: Yeah, I love that you know the way you're describing it doesn't have to be, you know, it doesn't have to be really complicated and it doesn't have to be kinky or extreme like certainly for some people it probably is and those are things that they're playing with and discovering and working out you know, but then for other people it may just be as simple as like really needing that direct eye contact that says like, you're the only person in the room to me or you have my complete and undivided attention.
You know, and how much of our lives, especially when we get into partnerships with kids and jobs that we, we don't give each other our total and complete and undivided attention. And so we can feel like there's a deficit of that, you know, and to feel that sensation of someone looking at you, you know, and seeing you more than just seeing like what you do for them in your life, you know, the functions that we, that we have as, you know, parents or couples, you know what I mean.
But seeing more into your essence and into your soul, you know, that's a real huge turn on, especially for, you know, women, but I think also for men, I think men want to be held in that kind of regard as well, you know, being really cherished. You know, and really seen in this, you know, in our nobility, you know, in our, our fullness, you could say. Right. Right.
J: Yeah. And I don't think we always bring on an approach of like, oh, how we want to feel like I think that's kind of like, there's the act, the acts we perform or whatever but like connecting to like that emotional say what if like it could just be so simple like like lighting a candle like there's some stuff that we would go through like as you are exploring your court desires of like what does it actually look like what are your senses telling you.
Is it going down from like, you know, we talk about like, you know, music and things like that, but like, maybe it's something else that makes you feel that kind of takes it to that next place for you and and I think through that you're able to connect with your partners or yourself, even like when you're self-pleasure ring and, you know, in your own state of being like how do I want to even feel like I'm I dead off I have a few hours to myself like what is the feeling I want to feel right now.
Even if it's not like an essential sense like I know like for me on my days off I'm like, ooh, I just like love to have me time and quiet time to connect with my in my own energy and some less like I want to let it candle I want to even be on my like doing something crafty or like I want to be out maybe in nature.
And just like knowing the feeling I want to create and it might not be like that activity might be different, but the feeling I get is the same. And so I think that's sort of like, interesting way to like start to see like our sexuality is like the feelings.
And there's a lot that people work out through in, you know, like through like BDSM and kink and in their sexual life we like do if we can be partners that are safe we can work through a lot of our own blocks, maybe trauma, because we're finding a safe place to act those out and so that's another thing that like is explored in this is pretty vast like if like there's so much gender things like that that we do talk about.
But I also find it fascinating to be able to like use your intimate experiences of someone to find safety and maybe a set scenario where you weren't safe before. Right. There's another thing that people will.
Maybe ask their partners for like I want this to occur but I want to do it with you because I can feel safe and I can almost like rewrite that history a little bit. So, right. It's fascinating. Right.
A: Explore part of ourselves that at one point got, you know, shunned or frozen or, you know, disconnected from because of, you know, shame, whether it was internalized shame or shame that came from another person, you know, a parent or authority figure or something and then getting able to, you know, being able to work that out and replay that.
And like you said, rewrite that story a little bit inside our own nervous systems, you know, and the big foundation piece here that I love that you're bringing up is just that, you know, all of this comes from that foundation of safety.
And how do we create that by actually recognizing how do I want to feel what's the feeling that I want to create. And when we start to connect with that, what's really amazing is our brains already start to create the pathway to that feeling. And as we're creating that pathway to that feeling, whatever is in the way of feeling that completely is going to show up. The roadblock is going to show up as we start paving the road.
Right. Then it leads us to those juicy places like you said those edges as uncomfortable spots where we're actually ready to like transform that space, you know, because what's on the other side is that safety and that love and that pleasure, you know, that we that we're dreaming of that we're longing for, you know.
And the road to get there is through connecting with how is that how do I want to feel, you know, what do I want to create and, you know, create the circumstances around me for this spontaneous feeling to arise, you know, but it's not purely spontaneous because it's it's manifested, you know, in our imagination in our creative force, you know.
J: Yeah, it's really fascinating where everyone goes because like again we were like with a group of 100 people so like it was interesting to see where everybody's, you know, like desires were their pleasure where they were like, all of that kind of coming to the service and taking like a really big scan of like what everyone's kind of going through is it was really interesting.
And yeah, safety is such an important. I tell I actually said that to my partner the other day, because we were talking about just, you know, I don't know if you said something that you liked about me like what can you tell me something like about me or I don't know it was like some kind of weird banter we were having.
And I told them this before but it's like, I just feel so safe with him in a way where it's like, I'm on a, like almost all levels and like that is such a value to me to feel completely safe to be yourself to be able to show up to be able to be able to be yourself.
And then it wants me to be more vulnerable I want to like continuously deep in that in that relationship. But, you know, for me safety. Even in my, it was always like a pillar of my photography practice because that's, I feel like that's a really important thing for my clients to come in to feel informed and ready to be there but like knowing that you're going to feel anxious.
You're going to feel nervous maybe you may feel not like you're not ready or whatever but like knowing that this is a safe sacred place for you to be and to explore and like to like get to move through those edges maybe try on something different than you normally are like, I want them to know like this is like creative freedom and it's a safe place to be creatively free.
And so I think that's why like, that's a really important part for me for that aspect of my business is like, safety is so important for you to feel good in your body and the coaching I think helps people get there that
A: aren't, you know, aren't I'm sure that I was technically safe, you know what I mean but I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel open. I didn't feel like it was okay for me to to say what it was going on with me. And it wasn't because of the people in the environment it was because of that feeling I carried in I brought in the room with me that day.
You know, so it's kind of this dance between like, okay, our environment and what's going on is real and then also what we're carrying and bringing and you know, whatever you want to call it your baggage that you're carrying around with you that gets in the way right and so that that dance of, you know, really letting someone know like this isn't a space for you to start to unwind whatever that is that's preventing that feeling of safety and security to be felt within you, you know, is a huge, huge part of I mean, I think what you're doing is really cool I'm really excited for, you know, the work that you're bringing locally to Buffalo right because that's where you're located right.
And so the people here in the city but then also like where this is going to take you, you know, if you decide to like, you can travel with something like this, you know what I mean you could be doing it at like a retreat or something like that is this is dynamic work that you have created for yourself so tell us a little bit about kind of what do you see for your vision for your business over the next, you know, three to five years or something like that.
J: Oh, absolutely. That's exciting. Yeah, you know, like, just speaking a little bit to like that safety piece, I have a lot of clients that come back like, you know, they have their first experience and then they want to come back because like, I think they do have that feeling of safety and now they're really wanting to show up and do it a little bit more like pushing an envelope or the edge or just feeling what it feels like to do it without the feeling of totally unexpected and totally normal to feel like you've never gotten naked with a stranger before, probably like in this capacity and maybe you have but no judgment Of course.
Um, but like coming in and like having a different like knowing like what to expect. So I do have like a membership program where I have like clients that are able to come from multiple shoots.
So they can kind of feel their journey of like where they started and where they're going and there's some coaching involved with that as well. And yeah, like as I'm relaunching our rebranding of the business over the next couple weeks by the end of July, we should be in full operation under the bear by Borelli band brand. I'm formerly Jillian Bradley photography.
So we're moving into this new space. And, man, it's so hard for me to see like the grand scheme of things sometimes but I feel like I have a roadmap of I want to bring this online more so that can be available to not just people that are locally with me.
So in the works I have a telegram community that's going to be launching hopefully by the end of July where people from anywhere can come in and being a safe space to talk about the things I'm calling a whispers right now I don't know if that name is going to stick.
But like the things that we whisper about the high closed doors and like what we want to like actually bring to the surface and like having a space where we don't have to censor ourselves in a sense of like, you know, sensing a sense of like respect for each other but like not in a sense of like I want to, you know, be able to speak a little bit more freely.
And so that's a community that's going to be, I think kind of part of what I see myself as more like online with me is going to look like so that the first step and then we also have programs where you can go through three months of coaching with me.
And at the end, which could be for anybody if they want to are wanting to travel, and with a creative photo shoot so like taking them from a place of feeling. I don't know exactly maybe it's like insecurity, maybe it's nerves, maybe it's just feeling really blocked in their sensuality and who they are and trying to step into that on the line.
And walking through three months of coaching and working one on one and being able to like message with me throughout that time, and then ending with a creative photo shoot to kind of like show what they like stepped into, essentially, giving them that sort of like gratification of that creative space to be like okay we we move through this. And now you get to show up and you have to like you actually have photo evidence of yourself shifting in trans and transforming.
And I think that's a powerful piece for a lot of people is they don't really some people are like don't really get maybe get that boudoir and like why people like to do it but I think when it comes down to it it's like one of the forms of photography that you're able to really see like the transformation because just a one person and you're in there, not always bear necessarily but like you're able to really look at these type of images over time and be like oh I went back to that place and I could see like what parts of me were uncomfortable still like where I loosened up maybe come if I come back in a year or two.
And I have clients tell me a lot of like I saw an image of myself this month like in my during my viewing of these photos. Initially, and months later coming back and be like I love how beautiful I was in this image that I hated when I first saw it.
And I think that's like the beauty of this work is that like, you're going to be in the transformation of your lifetime like your lifetime is transformation, right but like being able to have these markers of like photography, I think really gives you like that gift of actually knowing that you like what you've moved through and so I'm really excited and I don't really know we'll see what happened. But we're hosting we host events a lot, and I'm hoping like to bring this to like a retreat space, you know, down the road as, as life opens up a little bit more so.
A: Yeah, awesome.
A: Yeah, I love that idea of the ceremony of the photography shoot at the end is also a celebration, you know, a celebration of what we've moved through because I mean 90 days, three months is, you know, it's it's quite a space of time in someone's life, and it's a time of building a new perception and a new habit and all of that, you know.
So I think that's really exciting and, you know, if anyone wants to reach out to you or learn more about your coaching business how can they get a hold of you.
J: Yeah, no problem. So my website I'm not sure when this is coming out for the podcast, but it'll probably be in alignment with when this website launches, but it's bear by barylly.com that's going to be my website. I'm BarebyBarrile on Instagram.
If you're a female-identifying, we have a Facebook group as well. It's kind of right now it's like my free community to connect with us, and I post a lot of different things in there it's not just boot-wire stuff, but a lot of just like connecting to yourself some things are like just silly funny things and on.
Yeah, it's a really good community of like women that are like past clients as well as just, you know, people who are you feel safe kind of connecting in a more intimate vulnerable way and there's not always a lot of places to do that so. Yeah, those are probably the top three ways to connect with me DM me anytime.
Nice. I'll usually get back in the 24 hours I do a toddler that occupies a lot of my daytime space. But yeah, yeah, I usually can get back to people really relatively quick.
A: Wonderful. Yeah, well, check her out, check out her website, check out her offerings if you're curious about learning more about this kind of work, and you know if you're in the Buffalo area and you didn't know this existed and you somehow found this podcast.
You know, take a look, look into it maybe there'll be something that shows up as you inch your way towards this shows up that's that beautiful edge for you of something some block of some space inside of you that maybe is showing up because it's ready to be transformed, it's ready to be moved through.
J: Thank you so much I love this. I'm honored to be able to speak on this type of work and. Thank you. Just absolutely.
A: Absolutely, Jill. And we'll catch up soon in person and have a have a coffee or something. Thank you.
A: Hey there, friends. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. I would love to hear your thoughts. Follow me on Instagram at Aimee Takaya, and send me a DM about this episode. I'd like to thank you for being part of the somatic revolution.
And if you'd like to support the podcast and help more people learn about somatics, consider leaving a review or a rating. And finally, if you'd like to have the experience of relief in your tight hips or back and learn to understand what your body is really saying to you, visit youcanfreeyoursoma.com. I can't wait to share with you what is truly possible. Bye for now.
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