Who is the most important person in your life? Who is the greatest love? THE ONE who will open your heart in miraculous and powerful ways? Gemini Ferrie has been coaching women for the last 11 years on finding, experiencing, receiving and culitvating the greatest love of their lives: the love for themselves. On the podcast today, she shares her personal story of awakening to her inner world and her path to understanding HOW to create love internally instead of endlessly seeking it externally. We explore: childhood patterns that show up as relationship patterns, the pitfalls and blessings of being fiercely independent, meeting our own needs, the biggest challenges that women have for finding and experiencing true love, the source of insecurity and fear in our relationships and so much more!
Connect with Gemini on Instagram's @lovecoachforwomen or get a consult with her at www.lovecoachforwomen.com
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A: Every day there is a forgetting and every moment there is the possibility of remembering. Remembering who you truly are, awakening to your body, to the inner world and experience of being alive. Here is where you find the beauty, the joy. Here is where you free your Soma. Hello and welcome to Free Your Soma, Stories of Somatic Awakening and How to Live from the Inside Out. Welcome. Today I have Gemini Ferry with me and she is a love coach for women who specializes in helping women with their self-love, their self-esteem and their emotional intelligence. She helps them understand their love lives so they can create the relationship they want, which is a really exciting thing to be helping people with in this world, especially in today's culture where we have kind of dating on speed dial and all these different ways people are connecting. I am sure that has been part of understanding our love life, taking it to a new level. It is not just the dynamics of our relationships that we might already have established. It is the newness, creating new relationships that people are doing all the time. So all of that is really exciting. We are going to talk about some of that today and how when we start to understand what is going on internally, we can then create something outside of ourselves from that inner experience. So welcome Gemini.
G: Thank you. Yes. I love the title of your podcast, Living from the Inside Out, because everything does begin and end with us and that is very much connected to this idea of radical personal responsibility that I like to teach people and keep benefiting from myself.
A: Yeah, yeah. It is definitely like if you are going to teach this, you need to know it inside and out, which means you have to be practicing it.
G: Yes, very much. Otherwise, there are going to be words in the wind. They go in one ear and out the other.
A: Yeah, I know exactly what you are saying. It is not going to provide anybody with actual help or change, which is what people are really looking for, especially when it comes to problems that they are facing in their relationships. And what I really love about your distinction here, especially when we kind of talk about like what you are specializing in, is that you are pointing to love in our outside environment and it starts from love that we are creating internally and our relationship with ourselves. A little bit about that.
G: Yes, so much to say about this. So the first thing that comes to mind is about our relationship to love, our experience of loving and being loved growing up. And of course, as children, we depend on our parents for feeling loved and seen and validated. And that is all good. That is great and healthy. And that's what our parents, part of what our parents are there for. But then as we become adults and we leave the house and start to make our own life, we have to guide ourselves or find somebody to help guide us to upgrading our relationship to love in terms of what our idea is for how we want to give and receive love. And if we don't go through that process of self-inquiry, then what ends up happening is that we just keep repeating the patterns of our experience of love from childhood in adult life. And that can be very, very unhealthy, unsatisfying, very, very painful. And so we, you know, it's important to upgrade our idea of love to one that says I am not the only source of love for myself, but I am the first and I am the main source of love and validation and support for myself. And then comes everyone else. And so, you know, if we do it the other way around where we're trying to get a feeling of love and validation from other people and we make other people the main source of that, you know, then we're left with all kinds of patterns, like, you know, being desperate for love and chasing love, people pleasing, abandoning our needs and our preferences so that we can try to get this love from other people. And so when we go through that, that emotional growing up, I would say, when we choose to learn how to become the main source of our own love, it's a very empowering place to have all kinds of relationships, both personal, business and romantic relationships.
A: That's incredible. Yes, growing up, this maturing, our perspective and of our inner experience of what love is, because as you said, as children, we're sort of on the receiving end of whatever that looks like, whether or not it's, you know, a pleasant or unpleasant experience or usually a mix of both, right? And that the problems that are showing up as we go into adulthood with these models from childhood, we're in a state of being kind of helpless as we were as children, instead of actually directing and in, you know, the full experience of what we're capable of as adults, what we're really capable of, right? Totally. In really incredible work that you're doing, and you probably have your own story about how you got into this and how this, I guess, realization arose in you. Bear with us about kind of where this started for you. Where did all this people?
G: Yeah, I really do believe that we come in with a purpose, a reason for what we're here to share with the world, to help advance the world in some way. And so, and, you know, also another idea, another philosophy that I really live by, because it's just, it's so empowering and it really works is that everything and everybody, every experience that I've ever had is here has always been here for me, for my evolution, for my growth and for my learning. And I do believe that's true for everybody as well. And so my story really begins with a memory that I have of being about four years old. And my grandma was watching the news and I had heard something about war and some images on the screen. And, you know, as a four year old, I thought, war, is that like grownups hitting each other? And in my head, it just didn't make sense at all. And I thought, well, why don't they just talk about it, whatever, whatever issue they're having. And so, you know, I think that really is the first expression of my life's work around the opposite of war, which is, you know, really peace with each other, peace within. And I know that's it, I'm not trying to, you know, come up with a rosy kind of pie in the sky idea. But what I'm really saying is that it's about making the effort to use every challenge as an opportunity for growth, rather than as an opportunity for blaming or hurting someone back. So, so that was that moment. And then I felt like love was very missing in my life growing up. I, growing up, I was either adored and so deeply loved and praised, or I was being deeply shamed. And so I got those things really, really mixed up. And I became overly independent, because I just felt like I didn't, I wasn't getting the love that I needed on a consistent basis. And so I, you know, I just became very overly self-sufficient. And so in my twenties and part of my thirties, I dated a lot like crazy, because I was trying to find the one. And so I, you know, was trying to turn a lot of guys into the one I was dating somebody based on the fantasy that I had about them, rather than who they really were, I was ignoring red flags. I was trying to get men to love me and I was trying to get men to see how wonderful I am. And so because my mind, my ego mind, tricked me into having a sense of confidence, like, I know I'm wonderful. Somebody else is going to think I'm wonderful. Let me try to convince somebody to see that. That wasn't true confidence. And I see this in a lot of women where they, you know, their mind creates this false sense of confidence to cover up something that is not working inside some kind of approach to love that's not working. And so I dated and dated. I did, I tried my darndest best to get love back. And then the one relationship that really shattered my illusion of love at the time, with the happily ever after idea. And you know that, that, you know, mainstream culture teaches little girls is that I was in a relationship for three. It was a three months with somebody and I did my absolute best to get this guy to love me. And then he still didn't love me and he was very awful to me. So awful, disrespectful, demeaning that I was too embarrassed to talk to my very close girlfriends about how I was being treated because I knew that they would call me out on that. And I just was too attached. And so when I realized, oh my God, this guy is never going to love me. And I remember that was one of the most devastating days of my life because I was so infatuated by the idea of love that I had this false realization that felt true at the time, which said, maybe love doesn't happen for everybody. Maybe it only happens for some people, but not for me. And so then I had this, you know, realization that life is really long. And if I'm going to be single the rest of my life because I'm never going to have love, then I better freaking learn how to be happy without a man. And that idea just was crazy to me because I'm from Central America. I'm from Nicaragua and Latin culture. It's like, it's all about the family. You know, and so to just imagine the rest of my life, like trying to figure out how to be happy, I just, I knew that I had to do that. Otherwise, my life was not going to go very well. And so, and this is a question that I actually encounter from women a lot, you know, that they're only going to be happy when they find this person. You know, and if they don't find this person, they're going to be very, very miserable. And so this is a representation of trying to live from the outside in, right? Like, I will be happy when this person comes into my life and gives me this thing. And so I am so grateful for my spirit guiding me to this man who never loved me, no matter how I tried, because it this person was the catalyst. Of my fantasy of love, just shattering. And so I have to start from scratch. And then I, I really lived into the answer of how can I be happy without a man? And the answer is actually quite simple. And this is exactly what I teach women. The answer is how to be happy without a man is you give to yourself all the love and the attention, the affection, the warm. The comfort that you have been trying to desperately get from a man or from anybody. Really, you give that to yourself. You pour that love into yourself. And furthermore, all the love that you think you didn't get from your parents, you start pouring all that love into yourself as well. And so I started to do that. And then one day I woke up, Amy, and I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought, oh my God, what a cosmic joke. I, the love that I've been dreaming of is me. It's me. I am the one. I'm the one I've been hoping to love and be loved by. And then I knew I was going to be more than okay for the rest of my life, single. And then of course, a few days later, I meet somebody amazing. We get into an awesome relationship until it, you know, it ended and it wasn't so awesome anymore. And then I met my husband and got into a relationship with him. And here we are, you know, eight plus years later, still going strong and in a relationship in which we're really growing and learning and healing so, so much all the time. So, you know, when I decided to become a love coach for women, it was right after I had that moment of like, oh my God, I'm the love of my life. You know, and then I realized, wait, that was actually quite simple. I want to teach all women who think they can't get love, who are desperate for it or have questions about it. I want to show them that the love they've been looking for is right there inside of them. And it's an endless treasure of love inside. And I just, you know, I really, that really is what drives me is the fact that it's so simple and you don't have to wait for anybody to show up or to change or to give you anything at all.
A: That's an incredible, incredible story. I mean, I loved how you traced it all the way back like this, this innocence, right, to your childhood of seeing, you know, the fighting and the struggle and thinking there must be a simple way. And then later on in your life, you know, there's that struggle again. Maybe you even felt defeated and you decided to rise back up and take, you know, back that like control by saying, I won't need a man. I'm just going to figure out how to do this without anybody else. And then in a way, kind of turning that independence on its head and instead of it being isolating, it becomes this source of incredible power for you. And that's like really an amazing experience to go through because you ultimately realized that like the person who was like, the person who was in charge of this the whole time was you. Yes. And you thought that all the circumstances needed to change and this person that way and you needed to meet that special person, the shift that actually needed to take place, the change that needed to happen was inside of you. And that's such a powerful place to arrive at. And you see how, like you said, anybody can, anybody can experience this inside all of us. And I absolutely love that message. I think that that's really potent. And I think that that's actually the way to get really deep transformation to occur in our reality is by recognizing that this whole time, no matter how we thought that, you know, it had to be that job or the money or the outside. It's the inner world and it's the cultivation of being with ourselves in that inner environment as it's shifting and changing as all these, you know, tender spaces or intense emotions. And I know you work quite a lot with that, right? The emotion. Because here we go. We'll kind of jump into this now. As people are traveling down this new path with you of, okay, I'm game. I'm going to love myself. I'm going to be like, it's not always smooth sailing. And that's why guidance is incredibly important is because there's going to be stuff that comes up that's in the way of you loving yourself. That has been in the way, right? And you come up for people as you're working through this path towards self love. What was your question? What things come up for people? You work on helping people shift.
G: Sure. Lots of things. I would say the main things, Amy, that I hear from women that are really the biggest blocks to the love that they want, not only with themselves, but with somebody special is a fear of rejection or a fear of abandonment. And they're really two sides of the same coin. And that one fear alone, whether it's a fear of abandonment or rejection, that one fear alone will create an entire world of emotions, behaviors and results. And a lot of those behaviors are very much from a place of insecurity. If somebody, you know, if, if, if you're afraid of being rejected, you know, or abandoned, you're going to be insecure. You're going to watch your words. You're going to wonder what to say and how to be, what parts of yourself to show or not to show what parts are going to be acceptable to the person in front of you. And what parts do you think are not going to be acceptable for whatever reason? And in those parts, you're going to hide them. And then that hiding of parts of ourselves is a form of emotional self abandonment. Right. Because if we're, if we feel ashamed of a part of us, because we believe it's not going to be accepted by somebody else, that's a projection because we're, we're actually doing the very thing that we don't want somebody else to do to us. You know, we are rejecting a part of us before somebody rejects that part. And then that part goes into the dark. it gets disconnected from our own love and our own validation. And then that part will get very, very hurt and a lot of uncomfortable, unpleasant emotions will come up that will get louder and louder and louder so that we could pay attention to the part of us that's needing us. And we could fool somebody for some time by only showing the best parts of us. But deep inside, we're going to be worrying that if, if and when they see those other parts that we didn't show, then we're going to get rejected. So then there's, it creates anxiety and tension and people live in these relationships like that in their heads and not in their bodies. And so it's just that one fear, you know, fear of rejection and abandonment just creates absolute havoc and relationships and in the relationship with the South because it creates such a great disconnect and level of self abandonment that most people don't even know that they're doing. Yes.
A: I could relate to so much of what you said. I think I spent some of my early years self abandoning a lot, especially in relationships where, you know, like you said, there's some part of you that's unacceptable. And what you do and when you, when you enter that state is you're then losing your naturalness. You're losing that natural just being your, being who you are. And now you're fragmented and now you're cautious and don't actually get to really be in your and experience love. So what I noticed, and you know, maybe you could speak to this too, is that when I was in that process of judging myself and compartmentalizing things and hiding, you know, parts of myself from my, from my partner, it actually shut me down in a way that even if I did have a partner who was trying to pour that love onto me, it like, enter and like wouldn't go in. Yeah. Feel rejected, even though they were like literally sitting there next to me loving their eyes, I would feel rejected because the rejection was happening inside of me.
G: That's right. Exactly. Because when you, when we hide a part of ourselves because we're ashamed of it, we don't accept it because it doesn't match this idea of who we should be, then those parts of us begin to influence and be in charge of the decisions that we make and the perceptions, the filters from which we perceive reality.
A: Yeah, absolutely. Like you can be, you know, experienced. It's bizarre. I mean, I think there's probably people out there who can understand this. You can be sitting there, right? Like at the dinner with your, you know, your sweetheart and you can feel totally alone. Completely disconnected. Yes. And it can feel frustrating and confusing as to why. And then, of course, what we do is we try to blame the other person, right? We try to come up with something they're doing. They are doing a change and then I'll feel loved. Then I'll feel, you know, not rejected. I'll feel like, yeah, cared for. But what's going on is this internal thing of the self rejection, the self abandonment. And if that's not actually taken apart and looked at, it's going to just be part of this systemic problem that's going to keep us feeling alone. And maybe even actually and drive that relationship away, right?
G: Exactly. Right. Because we can't help but prove to ourselves what we believe. Anything that we encounter, especially in personal relationship that doesn't quite match our belief, we're going to unconsciously most of the time disregarded, you know, and, you know, when, when we have a fear of rejection or abandonment, any little thing is going to, is going to be seen from that lens of that person's going to reject me. They're probably already thinking about breaking up with me. You know, I have to prepare an exit strategy for when they break up with me, you know, and that's not a way to really be deeply emotionally intimate in a relationship. It's very stressful. And I know from personal experience, I've totally been there, you know, and, and the thing is, is it, it doesn't necessarily mean that somebody has to, that people have to heal or completely overcome their fear of abandonment or rejection to meet a loving person. I mean, look at you, you met somebody loving and, you know, and, and you didn't, you weren't able to let it in, but nonetheless you met somebody loving. And so, you know, I think this is a really important thing for women who are on a path of personal development, spiritual women, to really know you don't have to fix yourself all the way. You don't have to overcome this long list of issues in order to attract somebody because you heal together. When you meet the right person, you heal together because it's not like you meet somebody and then all your issues are gone.
A: You know, yes, that's really true. I mean, my husband and I, I mean, sometimes I look back on, you know, the last few years and all the stuff that we went through that was really ridiculously hard. You know, I'm sure there's plenty of people who are watching from the outside being like, they won't make it a year, you know, because they don't believe it at the time. But what we heal together when we're actually willing to put in the work, and it's not like trying to like work on each other at all. It's actually what it takes place inside and the shift of changing comes through repeated experience of this problem or this issue coming up. And each time, you know, no matter how upsetting or confronting it is, we make even just a 2% change in how we're doing. And suddenly that starts multiplying. And now, it comes up and it's like 25% change. It went from that 2%, but it increased incrementally every time we came across this issue. And now we're a lot, we're doing a lot better with this than we were. Wonderful. You know, so not giving up on having that same conversation, talking about that same issue again, sometimes we get exhausted with it and we want to walk away from it. But it's actually in the practice of facing these things that we get better and better at facing them. And then we get better at solving them the solving kind of naturally more that we practice, you know, just like we get better at anything that we're doing. And this probably translates to the work that you do with women, like they may have the same issue come up multiple times with you while you're working together. And each time they're able to maybe reframe it just a little bit and just a little bit. And all of a sudden there might be a breakthrough. You could just describe that process a little bit.
G: Yeah, it definitely takes practice because we learn by repetition. So here hearing one time, I love you, I'm here for you. That's not going to cut it in any relationship. We need to feel loved all the time. And so we need to provide that love to ourselves, right? So that consistently so that we can, it can feel real and true when somebody gives that love to ourselves. But the process is because we learn by repetition, you hear something once, there's an aha like, Oh yeah, I can see it from that way. That really makes sense. And sometimes it's not like that. Sometimes people are like super attached to, you know, the way they've been thinking and believing about themselves or about love that they're scared to let go of that because they're scared of the, of the possible disappointment if they try on this new and power and perspective. And it's not cut out to be what it sounds like it's going to be. And so they want to hold on, because at least they have a sense of safety in the, in the reliability of how they know this pain operates, right? And so, but either way, you know, it does take a little bit of repetition. So the person sees a new, a new way. And then there's a practice. I give them a practice. Like I want you to, you know, when this idea, when this fear comes up, I want you to tell yourself this mantra, you know, is that true? You know, there's a lot of different depends on the person where they're at, but you know, is that thought true or creating a self boundary where I say, just for the next week, just for the next couple of weeks, you're going to make an experiment. And for you to see if you like the results, you can keep them. And if you don't, you could always go back, right? So it's very, it's a very safe way of trying on a new idea. So I say, when this fear of XYZ comes up, I want you to say, I'm not doing that for the next week. And then see what else shows up. If you don't, if that is not an option to go to that fear, to give into that fear, then you're going to naturally come up with a different way of thinking and feeling about yourself. And you can discover that, right? You know, another exercise that I like to give people is the noticing the thought, the noticing the thought that represents the fear or the disempowering belief and not trying to fix it or change it in any way, shape or form, because that's too much work for the brain. And to just notice, notice, notice, oh, there is that pattern. Oh, there it is again. Oh, there it is again, because the more you can observe a thought, the more space you create between you, the observer and the thought. And the more you can observe that thought, the less power it has over you, because suddenly you are not overwhelmed, encompassed inside of the thought to the degree that it is the only reality, but you're observing it as part of your experience. So with that, then we talk about what, what did they learn? What did they see? What did they discover that they didn't experience before? And then the excitement that they get from that kind of practice then leads, you know, to a deeper practice of then not just noticing, but how about creating, trying on living into a different idea about themselves? Not because it's true, I'm not going to try to convince anybody that some positive idea about them is true. They have to see it for themselves. They have to try it on. You know, so it's a lot of experimenting and it's, that can be really fun as opposed to like, I got all this work to do and it's going to take forever, you know, it's just a series of experiments that I like to do with people so that it can remain lighthearted in that process of shifting from a limiting idea of oneself to an empowering one.
A: Yes, it's a process of exploration because it's going to be a different for everybody. Yes. Well, and people are also probably going to come up with their own ideas and their own solutions to their problems, which makes, I mean, from my perspective, when that happens with me and my clients, I'm always just like, wow, like you're an expert on you. Yeah, exactly. That is so original and like personal to you and I love that, like that because of this process of exploration of breaking out of that rigidity, starting to explore. And I love that you bring like a playfulness into it. And that's, you know, that's something that, you know, comes across in your energy, it comes in the cross and the way you dress and the way you fold your, like you like to have fun with these things. And I think that's important because we can get so super serious when we're in our head. Totally. Especially about things that hurt, you know, and things that are hard. We can get like really downtrodden and like, you know, gray and you just, you come in with all this color and this brightness in your expression. And I think that that's part of what makes you so effective and also probably so successful at doing this because you've been in this for seven years, you know, that's a lot to be working with different people and, you know, figuring out on your end, the exploration of like what's really working for, you know, what are some of the reliable, you know, ways to help them shift their mindset. And, you know, I'm curious, as, you know, someone who's been a love coach for 11 years, this has probably also been like the other side of the coin of your own personal development too. Oh yes. Because when, this is another expression of our own learning, right?
G: Yeah. Absolutely. Yes. Oh my God. It's one funny way that I look at my business and what I do as a coach and as a guide is really my clients are funding my own personal research and studies and experimentation and exploration in the realm of all things, self love, self esteem, self confidence, you know, how to create healthy loving relationships with people and deepening those relationships. And if I didn't have this as a career, I would be, I mean, in the conversation of personal development in the path very engaged of personal development all the time, I feel like I eat, think, drink, you know, sleep, personal development, it's my life. And so I do see that as I go deeper into my own journey of healing and growth, then I can bring those insights to my clients. And oftentimes, you know, what I'm teaching people is exactly what I need to hear from myself in that moment. And I'm, I tend to be very transparent and honest with my clients, because oftentimes people think, oh, Gemini is a love coach, she's got it all together, she has no issues whatsoever. And so I make sure that I, you know, bust that bubble and, and just share a little bit about my process and like, you know, sometimes I tell people, I'm just a few steps ahead of you in this particular thing just so you know, and they're like, really? I'm like, yeah, I'm human just like you, you know, or wow, I was just there a year ago, man, I know exactly what you're experiencing. Let me share a little bit about what, what that was like for me and how I overcame that. And then I'm going to show you how to do the same. And people really appreciate, appreciate that because they're like, oh, okay, I'm okay then I have issues you have everybody has growing opportunities. I'm like, yes, we're all in this journey together.
A: Yeah, well, you make it feel attainable then. Not this like perfect person up there in the clouds, like with the perfect life, they get it's human. And so therefore, the results that you're experiencing or the, you know, results that you're selling them are possible are suddenly like actually within reach, instead of this thing that's far away. Yeah, your people usually start when they've been feeling, you know, not great in their body lives, they think that that, you know, that feeling good and that feeling loved and that feeling like their relationships are working is like really far away to be able to have a coach who's there and you can relate to them and they can relate to you. It's like you just, you just condense that, that imaginary space from, you know, that files to like, oh, we're just around the corner from each other.
G: Totally. And the quote that really emphasizes what you just said is a quote from my professors at the University of Santa Monica for spiritual psychology. It's a very incredible school, by the way. So they say that how you relate to the issue is the issue. Right. And so if people come feeling broken, so disconnected, so just like far away from the love that they want with themselves and other people, then it's not, it's not like, well, first you have to heal these 10 things and then you're going to feel better. Oh, no, no, you can start feeling better right now because how you relate to the issue is the issue. So if you're missing love, if you feel broken and sad and lonely and all of that, and you feel very, very far away from love, well, and guess what, you can access that love right now from where you stand with everything that you're experiencing and feeling, and you do not have to get anywhere at all. This moment right here has the love that you want, and it's about how learning how to access that love now so that you can get the comfort and the sense of relief and the sense of warmth from yourself with what is present for you.
A: Oh, yeah, I really relate to that like in terms of the work that I do with, you know, muscles and it's funny because these things that you're talking about, like, they're about like human experience, like ultimately they're about physical reality even, you know, so like, they kind of answer to the question is in the question, right, like that kind of, but like people will come to me with, you know, pain in their body somewhere, and they think like something, they're like, oh, something needs to shift, like something needs to change in order for this pain to go away, you know, and bring attention to it, and we do like some really subtle movements, and the pain just dissipates, and it's like their ability to move was there the whole time, like they could have moved their arm in this particular way at any moment, and the pain would vanish, right? But the issue was that they had this relationship to it that said this is fixed, this is stuck, this doesn't change, and that was part of the frozenness that was holding that pain. Yeah, traction that was keeping them there was it was it was that relationship to the discomfort to the pain in their body. So reframing these things so that they can see that the possibilities are all happening right now. Huge, it's like magic, if people will right, like it's like their minds are blown, they're like this this was here, like this at any moment really. Totally. Actually, how our universe works, right? What do you mean? Tell me more. But that everything and everything is actually possible at any given moment, regardless of whether or not we can perceive that.
G: It is just a shift in perspective. You know, I would say the main thing that I see people really wanting or wanting more of or feeling just disconnected from that understanding is love. We all, I believe the main purpose that we're here for as human beings is to love. and to be loved, to experience love, everything else is secondary. Everything else, if you have everything else and you don't have love, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't mean anything without that experience of love with ourselves or with somebody else. And so one of the things that I do in the first session with people, because in the first session, I want people to be completely blown away by the love inside of them, because if I can get them to see even just a little bit of that magnificent love that is within them, they have they have not known how to access. Then I know that they that will give them the confidence to know that they can get to the place that they wish to get to inside of themselves. And so the way that I do that is that we we focus, you know, we focus on the emotion that they've had the most difficulty with. And this is where the emotional intelligence really comes in, which is a form of self love for me is I get them to, you know, you know, consider what is the most unpleasant, difficult emotion that they have been running away from, judging, pretending is not there. What is the emotion that they've been shaming, hiding, you know, glossing over with whatever distraction, food, TV, sex, drugs, rock and roll, you know. And and we want to actually use that because if I can get them to shift their experience of the most challenging part of being alive, which always for people, it's an emotion, then then they again, that confidence and that sense of self trust really gets activated. And so so I asked them, you know, what tell me what that emotion is, that most challenging emotion, what have you been doing about it when it comes up? And they tell me, oh, you know, I talk on the phone, I watch TV, I cookies, I I meditate, I run, I do exercise, what have you. And all of that is some of those things are great, like exercise, great, meditation, great. And you've got to address the emotion in a much deeper level. And when it's a negative, unhealthy distraction or deep self judgment of an unpleasant emotion, then I always ask, you know, what is what is your intention with these methods of how you're dealing with those emotions? And they often say, well, I just want to feel better. I just want to feel better. And I'm like, great, is it working? Are you feeling better with all of these destruction techniques? And of course, the answer is always no. And so I say, look, let me show you a different way to feel better, to accomplish your goal of feeling better. And it's actually so simple, Amy, because all it requires is what I call the one, two, three exercise. It's an emotional intelligence, self love exercise. So number one, you put your hand where you feel it. Number two, you breathe love into it. And if you can't breathe love into it, it's just too much to ask for. It's OK. You can just breathe into that space. And then number three, you say to yourself, you say to that part of you that's experiencing that emotion, I'm right here. And you feel that. And it's a little bit more elaborate. It's a it's about a 20, 30 minute process. You know, when I do this with clients, because it's a whole dialogue where I get the person to own up to their previous way of being with themselves. Self-neglect, self-judgment, self-shaming. I get them to own up to that without making themselves feel bad. And then I get them to set a new intention for how they want to be in a relationship with that part. And that really creates such a profound shift because that's when they really recognize like, holy, wow, I have been trying to feel better in all of these ways, and I've just been making myself feel worse. And now I've made myself feel so much better by simply giving to myself a little bit of loving attention and acknowledgement and validation for what I'm feeling.
A: Yes, I remember when one of the last times that we saw each other, you guided everyone through this technique and even with that other stuff, which would, of course, like really deepen it for somebody. Yeah. I think everybody in the room felt a shift within themselves where they can, their body and they felt where they've been holding their, you know, their pain and said those words, I'm right here with you. You know, to me, I think of it as it is literally like creating connection because you put your hand there, being moral awareness, you're connecting your nervous system to that part of your body, where the sensation is arising, where you're holding upset. And then you're you're actually reinforcing that connection deeper through those words and you're bringing new awareness. And literally, I think probably new like energy to that space. Yes. Going to start out. That's actually going to start clearing things and moving, moving it where it was stuck before. So this makes sense to me on a few levels. And I think it's just brilliant and incredible. And I love the simplicity of it because it's something that you can, you know, go through this process and teach somebody and then they can do it anytime they need it and they don't annual, they don't need a book. It they can just be there with themselves. Yep. That is such a gift.
G: That is so simple. So simple. It really is so simple because, you know, people say, OK, I got to have all these issues and I have to fix these things. I have to fix myself. And I say, no, no, we do not need to be fixed. We're we're not robots or machines that are broken. We are human beings. We have, you know, all of us have some kind of hurt inside. And what we need when we're hurting is love, not fixing. And so, you know, and that brings me to another quote from my professors at USM, which is healing is the application of love to the parts that hurt inside. Nothing in there says healing is finding a boyfriend, making more money, getting more successful, getting on TV, having more stuff or whatever. You know, it's it's not going to come from the outside. We need some external validation. We need to be surrounded by people who see our greatness and encourage it. And that is a form of healthy external validation. But we can't make that the main thing. We've got to be the main source of that love and that validation that we need.
A: Yeah, beautifully said, because there is, you know, going going back to way in the beginning, when you talked about this hyper independence that you had going on, that was sort of a response, it sounds like, to some elements in your childhood. You had love and shame in meshed and obviously like shame is painful. And so you kind of want to avoid like having to need anything from anybody, needing that love by becoming hyper independent so that you don't have to feel the thing that you think comes along with it, which is shame. Right. Yeah, that's right. On its own trap, you know, but it's beautiful the way that it kind of did a little cycle with you where it was actually through that independence, that tendency to be independent, that you discovered that self love was the key. Right. And that brought you back around to that, you know, that validation from others is also wonderful. Now, exactly. In its own way, it's necessary for us to complete that experience of love, because when we are validated by others, we learn also how to validate others and how to give love when we are able to receive it. Right. Just ourselves, but from other people too. So it's a practice that starts inside and I'd say most of the work is inside, but then it starts moving out into the rest of our world. Would you talk a little bit about how people's relationships transform when they start doing this work? Totally.
G: Well, the thing about external validation is this is so funny because it's a funny paradox, I should say, where, you know, the more we try to get external validation, the less we're going to get it and the more desperate we're going to be for it. But when we give to ourselves the validation that we need, then we just don't need external validation. And then suddenly there's all this external validation just pouring in, you know, from all directions. And I think, you know, what explains that is that everything begins and ends with us. And we see the world through the filters that are made up of our beliefs, our values, our perception of ourselves and our philosophies and ideas about how reality works. And so in other words, what we see outside of ourselves is what is already going on inside of us, right? It's a projection. You know, and, you know, just like there's two different people can explain a particular event in two totally different ways. You know, it's it's that that kind of projection, you know, is is a way of reality reflecting back to us. What is already inside of us? You know, so I'll give you an example of that. So I. Many, many, many years ago, had somebody been disrespectful and appropriate, mean, would have you to me. I may have wanted to be the adversarial and then been mean back or I would have been in a place of victim and blaming them for how I felt. And that's one way, you know, and and through the work that I've done in myself and that I continue to do if somebody and essentially have been very recently, but if somebody is inappropriate, mean, you know, in any way, now it's like, oh, gosh, you know, that person must really be hurting inside to be that mean to me. When asking for a particular need or setting a boundary or calling somebody out on something that didn't work for me. And so, you know, the difference is really now I'm more connected to a sense of compassion for myself. And I love the Dalai Lama's definition of compassion, which is the compassion is the understanding for the lack of understanding. And so I have that practice more deeply with myself than ever before, such that somebody was a certain way and I could extend that practice with myself toward them and about them. And in the past, you know, I would have not been able to do that. I would have gotten cut up in my own, you know, hurt and trigger and projected onto them. And so this is how much power we have over our reality, over the quality of our relationships. You know, and the great thing to know is that when a relationship, when, especially when many of our relationships aren't working, if we see a pattern in multiple relationships that isn't working, then the first place to look is right here inside of ourselves, because we're generating that pattern. And so if we're generating it, we can change it from within and we can then show up differently with the people in our lives.
A: Yes, absolutely. We can show up differently. I think that's so it's so interesting because again, you're pointing to this idea that it's not other people that need to like shift and change. It's how we're showing up and then that's being reflected immediately in our environment. Like we're almost believing it into being true. And you kind of touched on that before in terms of we have this belief, right? And then we make it true. We look around and we look for evidence. Yes. But the good news is that when we shift our behaviors and patterns into something that's actually healthy, then it's true too. We look around and we see all the things that are going right. Yes. They're actually working, right? And then when we are putting our focus on what's actually working, now suddenly things start working even more. Like they start, we're in this different perspective. We're in this different kind of reality where now there's movement forward instead of feeling like everything is fixed and maybe drifting or falling behind. There's suddenly like a new... Yeah. Absolutely. Because what you're talking about is shift relationships with our relationship to ourselves. But I'm sure every aspect of people's lives starts to shift as well, right? Absolutely. Because that relationship, that foundational relationship is so major. And you make it really simple by kind of drawing everything in to self-love. But it really does expand out into our work life, into the relationships with other kinds of things in our world, like maybe our relationship to what we are eating, right? Because what we're eating and whether we're taking care of ourselves is another expression of self-love. Your clients get a wide variety of different benefits and results from this work is what I'm saying.
G: Completely for sure. Because also to the degree that we are able to access and feel our own love for ourselves, our own compassion and acceptance for ourselves, is to the same degree that we're going to be comfortable to receive that same depth of love. But when we are in self-judgment and we don't feel lovable, we have, if we have 50% of us that doesn't feel lovable because it doesn't match the person who we should be in our minds, then we, if somebody tries to love 100% of us, we're only going to let in that love into half of ourselves. And only until the more we love ourselves, the more love we have to give, which is going to attract people that are ready to receive that love. And then if they're ready to receive that love, they're also ready to share that depth of love. And so that love really, really multiplies as opposed to when we're in a place of lack, disconnected from love from ourselves and we're desperately trying to get love from other people, there's always this sense of lack. And it really is about letting that love in. Something that I hear sometimes from some of the women that I have worked with in the past who start off very, very insecure believing that all men are XYZ cheaters, liars, unreliable, they're going to leave, you know, all of that. They may go on a date with somebody so good, so wonderful. And then they think, Oh, I'm sure there's something wrong with this guy. I'm sure he's a liar. I'm sure he's a player. And then there's no evidence whatsoever. You know, they're just, even though the evidence is not there, they're already creating it in their heads, you know, and then somebody else who's very secure in themselves might go on a date with somebody really great. And they can see the potential, you know, for their, for how great they are, and they can see that if they get to know them more, they're probably going to find more of that, that greatness that they experience, you know, so, so really our level of self love like affects our perception about absolutely everything in our lives, everything.
A: Yes. And that potential for self love, you know, might, it might feel, you know, sometimes if you're running up against like, you know, places in yourself that were unconscious and that, you know, you were still holding on to this memory or this pain, we can feel like frustrated, like, when is going to be over? When am I going to be finished loving? The inverse of that is that it's like endless and limitless. And there's no, like, there's no limit to how much you can experience love. Yeah. Actually, like really wonderful when you think about it, even though, like the practice may sometimes feel like, you know, it gets old or something, that what you're doing is you're continuing to increase your capacity for love.
G: Yes. Yes. And this is such an interesting point because I hear so much of the time like, I've been working on myself for this many years. I've done this many meditation retreats. I've, when am I going to get there? And I say, get where? Get where? And so the where is always the same. And it's this magical place where when you get there, you're never going to have any issues. You're never going to have unpleasant emotions ever again. You're never going to have issues with anybody because you become so enlightened that you just, you're just good, right? And people are holding this fantasy. And so then when an unpleasant emotion comes up, they're like, but wait, I thought I had gotten there. Maybe all the work that I've been doing didn't work. You know, maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm not lovable enough. You know, regressing. Maybe I'm too broken, you know? And what I like to say to that is, look, like, we, we have no control over how, what is going to come up and when from within. We just don't know. It's, it's what we experienced growing up. How much have we healed and overcome or not? We can't possibly know when we're doing the last layer of really overcoming something for good. It might feel in the moment when we have a breakthrough. Oh my God, I think I got it. I've healed this and it's like another layer comes up, you know, and so it's not so much about what comes up that we have no control over, but it's how are you going to be with yourself when you have an unpleasant experience, when you have an unpleasant emotion, are you going to abandon yourself because that emotion doesn't match the enlightened idea of who you think you are to be already because you've worked on yourself for, you know, this long already? Or are you going to stay present with yourself and give to yourself the love that you need so that you don't have to go through something difficult so that that part of you doesn't go through, have to go through something difficult by itself without you? You know, I remember so many times that I was a little girl and I felt scared and sad inside and my mom was, she was a single mother of four kids, immigrant, all immigrants, you know, from Nicaragua and I didn't feel like she had the capacity to give me emotional support, you know, and so I just, I like kept it to myself and so I had to go through a lot of big emotions as a little girl and I didn't know how to do that. I needed my mom, you know, and so as an adult, we don't want to do that to ourselves and we're going through something emotional. We want, that is when we need our love the most. That is when we need our love the most and, you know, brings me to one of my ultimate intentions, one of my deepest intentions in life is to stay deeply present with myself no matter what, no matter what comes up, no matter how I feel, no matter what, to just stay present with myself because I know that without that there's going to be self abandonment, not because I don't love myself, not because I'm bad, not because blah, blah, blah, no, but because the mind has these self protection mechanisms that it's trying to, you know, the brain is trying to get us toward pleasure and away from pain and so it perceives uncomfortable emotions that mind perceives uncomfortable emotions as something to try to get away from and we really want to do the opposite. And so I invite, you know, anybody who's watching this or listening, I invite you to consider taking on this intention for yourself. What would life be like even just for the rest of the month? What would life be like for you if you lived from that place of staying present with yourself no matter what and practicing the one to three exercise of putting your hand where you feel the emotion, taking a breath into it and number three saying to yourself, I'm right here. That's how you stay present with yourself when it's most uncomfortable. If you do that and nothing else, oh my God, it's that's so much so impactful.
A: Beautiful. I love that you gave us a great like how to something people can go ahead and just try right away and being with yourself and not pulling away from or turning away from those difficult spaces. You're right. Like people tend to think that's like counterintuitive. It's like what you think we ought to turn towards my pain. How we undo it. And I mean, I know that physical like level because that's very similar to the somatic work that I do where we're turning towards the contraction instead of away from it instead of stretching and pulling away from it. We're moving towards the discomfort and in moving towards the discomfort we're already like pretty much halfway there in terms of unwinding it. Right? Like that's such a big part of it is the not leaving the not amazing.
G: I love that that works also on a physical level and that's how these kind of universal truths work is that you can find them in so many different areas of reality and of life.
A: Right? Well, that and that just attests to like why you get the results that you get with clients and why what you're talking about really works is because it's part of this true system of how our bodies operate that we when we pull away and we walk away from something that is pulling our attention. Right? That's not actually going to bring us the piece that we're looking for when we're turning away. We're looking for that piece and that comfort and we think it's by running away from our problems. I mean, you know, over 18 years old and been through some hard knocks in life knows that you can't run away from your problems forever. Right?
G: They're going to be there when you decide to stop trying to distract yourself away from yourself. You know, and you know, the the the answer and the reason really that somebody may have a fear of abandonment or rejection, you know, I like to come back to that because it's so common and people say like, but I want a relationship, you know, I don't understand why I keep attracting like, you know, unavailable people, you know, or people that keep rejecting me or just not being there. Right? And what it is is that if they're attracting, available, if they're attracting, you know, a sense of a feeling of rejection, it's because they're already right. Like we said, rejecting themselves. And so what you know, what people really want to do here is that when it's most challenging to stay with yourself, if you practice staying there with yourself and doing that one, two, three exercise, the emotion will get processed on its own without you trying to fix it or change it or even heal that emotion by you simply providing a space of love for that part of you to feel safe, to be expressed, the emotion will get processed by itself. And then the most incredible result that that will create is that when you're going through something and you're in the presence of somebody that you care about and they care about you, then you're going to feel safe enough to reveal your, what you're going through, the challenge that you're going through, expecting from a very healthy place that they're, they're going to want to stay present with you because that's what you do with yourself. But if you're not comfortable with, and if it's not normal for you to stay present with yourself when you're going through something difficult, then in the future, when you're going through something difficult, you're going to expect that, that to feel like a burden to other people, you're going to imagine that other people are going to see you as a burden. And so again, you know, to really multiply the love in your, in your life, for yourself, when it matters the most, when it's most challenging, when it's most uncomfortable and painful, because that if you can show up for yourself with love then, you're going to be able to let other people's love in so deeply. And that is so powerful and healing, because it's also a gift to other people to be able to love as deeply as they can.
A: Oh, that's so beautifully said. I mean, I do remember when I was younger and I would be having, you know, pain or issues or problems and like, I pretty much kind of relegated, like, if I had a boyfriend, they were the one I kind of like dumped my problems on or something, right? And if I was, you know, I didn't really want to tell like all of my friends, like what I was going through, because I didn't want to, you know, I was being there for them. That was the role I was helping them. And if I needed help, then it made me, I don't know, weak or it made me like something, I had some judgment about it or I changed the dynamic and I didn't want to bird in them or upset them that, you know, that I didn't have it figured out or something. And that really did start shifting, you know, as my perspective and my relationship to myself started shifting, where suddenly now I see, you know, if I'm going through something and it could be, you know, an emotional thing or, you know, I mean, I guess, yeah, it's all at the end of the day, a lot of emotional things. It's weird, it's worry, it's frustration about something, you know, I will look for who can I connect with who would be like the right person to just hold that space for me in my process, you know, whether it's a friend or, you know, now I hire coaches and work with people on these different levels that, you know, they're offering. And it's really a strength and not a weakness. It's really a reflection of my own self love that I reach out and ask for that support, right? And that, that, that, yeah, that space from others. It's, it's because I have become more able to give that to myself that I'm able to receive that. So what you're saying, I feel like it's totally resonant, totally, I'm with you.
G: Yeah, yeah. And another way to say that really is whatever is familiar in your experience of yourself and your relationship with yourself, whatever thoughts, feelings, beliefs that you have about yourself that are familiar to you, whether they're true or not, that is what's going to feel most comfortable and familiar to experience with other people.
A: Yes, that makes sense. That makes a lot of sense that it's interesting that the, you know, the thing about the familiarity is that it's often like the thing that we're, you know, maybe not so happy about. It's that pattern. We're not really happy about it and yet we keep going back to it and why that might be. And I've explained this a bit myself is because we don't know what's going to happen in that unknown territory. We don't maybe know who we are yet when we have like a happy relationship or we have anything about it, but it's kind of a mystery. It's still unknown when we're, we go back to what's familiar, even though it's not really working, you know, until we can start to sense like, Oh, these, this possibility of like, well, anything could happen. I could, you know, my whole life could be totally different. I could be a totally different person as we start to like try that on slowly and get more comfortable with the idea. And I think you were talking about that earlier, like getting used to this new version of myself that, that it has, you know, a sense of self worth and self esteem. Gotta get used to it slowly. Cause in the beginning it's scary.
G: Yeah. Anything that is new to us and unfamiliar is going to feel awkward. Like oftentimes I will have, we'll have people be sitting in front of a mirror to do the coaching call, you know, and with on zoom and people hate this initially. Like, Oh, I don't want to look, you know, all these, my hair, my pimples, my makeup, my this, that, the other thing, whatever, you know, and, and it's mirror work that I like to do with people so that they can have these very in depth, detailed dialogues with themselves to work things out. Because if we have an issue with somebody, the only way we're going to work it out is by dialoguing with them. So we have, if we have an issue with ourselves, then we got to dialogue with ourselves, you know, and so in the beginning people, when I have them say to themselves, you know, I see you and, and looking into their eyes and, and I feel you and it makes sense what you're experiencing because X, Y, Z and you went through this as a kid and now, you know, like we're going to do things differently and here's how we're going to change things, you know, and I love you and they're like, ooh. And, you know, I say it's okay. How many times did you tell yourself you love yourself, you know, in the mirror your whole life? They're like, I don't think I ever did. And I'm like, well, well, no wonder it feels unfamiliar. So you just got to say it a few more times, you know, and then they'll say, well, I feel like I don't believe it. I'm like, well, let's address the part of you that doesn't believe it, you know, and so then I'll have them talk to the part of themselves in front of the mirror that doesn't believe the lab. Like, hey, you know, I see that there's a part of you that does not believe and is not letting in the love that I'm trying to give to you. And that makes sense because I've been neglecting you all this time and, you know, and I'm willing to give you the time that you need to really get that I'm right here and I'm here to stay. You know, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to heal my relationship with you, you know, and then I have them say, and, and I love you. I care about you. You're important to me. And then they feel it for real, you know, so just because you don't feel your love right away, it doesn't mean that you just can't love yourself. It just means that you have to deal with whatever is showing up that is asking to be dealt with on the way to you being able to access your own love.
A: This is such beautiful, beautiful work. I think what you're doing is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing such detail about what you're doing too, because it really gives people, I think, you know, for me, I just get like the experience of being in that and the beautiful way that you're modeling that care and attention that you're really giving people this intimate experience with themselves through your, through your beingness, through your being there with them until they're fully, completely ready to do that for themselves. Yes.
G: Yes. And really, you know, because I specialize in love, romantic love, self-love and all that, if people, if somebody wants a happy, healthy, thriving, lifelong relationship with somebody, that, that to me means deep emotional, spiritual intimacy with somebody, like deep closeness, total closeness. And in order to be comfortable with that and expect that that's going to happen, the mere work is to build that within the self, that intimacy, because then the loneliness goes away, because the closeness with ourselves takes its place. So that's really the cure for loneliness, right? We say, oh, I'm lonely because I'm single. I'm like, oh, I don't think you're lonely because you're single. I think there's something else going on. Let's take a look together and bring some love there where, you know, where it's being called. When we, you know, when we can really feel that intimate with our own experience, then we can create that naturally with other people. And that's really the best way to create a healthy, loving relationship is to, you know, to, to create it from experience with ourselves and then to keep deepening it, of course, once we're in that relationship.
A: Yes. Oh, it's, it's so beautiful the way you kind of have brought all these different elements together. And so much of it, I feel like is in your practice and in your experience, because you're embodying it. And that's, that's the key here, you know, for what you're actually teaching other people to do is actually embody love. Have it in your body. That is actually great. You're experiencing it because it's not coming from somewhere. It's coming, it's being generated internally. Yes. Right. Yeah. So this is the end of body.
G: That's right. It's about being the love that you've been seeking everywhere else and everybody else. It's about being the love that you want to experience with other people. Yes.
A: This is so powerful. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah. And sharing this with everybody. It's such a potent message. You work one on one with people. Is that correct? I do. Yes. So if somebody wanted to connect with you and learn more about what you do, where would they be able to find more information?
G: Yes. You can go to my website, lovecoachforwomen.com and book a free consultation so that we can have a conversation about what's going on for you and how I may be able to support you and then we can take it from there.
A: Wonderful. Yes. Because in the morning, we have people in this world who, you know, you within, like just left problems we have and we'll have in society for sure.
G: Absolutely. I really truly believe that for sure.
A: Yes. Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing this incredible work that you're doing. It was so inspiring. I'm sure that our listeners got a lot out of it and were able to reflect on all their experiences, you know, like really interesting. I think very relevant stuff for women that's going on with all these people, you know, deaf, absolutely.
G: Yes. Yes. Very much. We're all, we're all on the path and we got to just keep going. And, you know, another thing that I want to share that's a very powerful resource is a self-love meditation that I have that you can do in front of the mirror to start your mirror, self-love, mirror practice. And that's on SoundCloud. So you can find me there too, Love Coach for Women on SoundCloud and access that self-love meditation for free. And yeah. And then, you know, the message that I want to really leave everybody with and first of all, thank you as well, Amy, for inviting me to this awesome conversation. But really my message to everybody listening is that regardless of where you are in your life, regardless of where you're at in your relationship with yourself or in your love life, just know that the solution to practically most, if not all of the problems that you may be experiencing is in really beginning to love and be there for yourself because I truly believe that the most important skill in life is loving and being there for ourselves and getting better and better at that all the time.
A: Yes. Incredible. I agree. This is so wonderful. Thank you so much. And you're welcome. Yes. Feel free to go out with Jeb and I if you have curiosities, if this talk was speaking to you. And maybe we'll have her on again to broach a different subject because I think you have multi passions that would be fun to explore in other ways. Totally. Yeah. Thank you.
G: You're welcome. Thank you too.
A: You've been listening to the Free Your Soma podcast. To find out more information about today's guest, check the show notes. And to find out more information about me, Amy Takaya and the Radiance Program, visit www.freeyoursoma .com.
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