Updated: Oct 19
After a moped accident Kylie found herself living in fear of her back going out. She became dependent on chiropractors and bodyworker to "put her back together". She spent ten years feeling like a victim of her back tension and pain. She was confused and frustrated and looking to many different therapists and modalities for relief. When she met me and learned about somatics, she was curious and intrigued. And would soon discover WHY she had come to be in so much pain and exactly HOW to reverse and prevent this issue she once feared would be life-long.
In this interview Kylie shares:
-How her back, her body, was holding her life history
-The ways in which she created her own back tension and pain
-What happened as her body started to release and let go
-Unexpected benefits of this practice beyond her physical tension and pain
-What it was like to somatically awakening and how it is an endless process
-How somatics has helped her with her pregnancy and given her the capacity to take on motherhood
-Her sense of empowerment and the blessing of being able to address her own suffering
Kylie has been sharing this somatic work through her RADIANCE and the effects that her family and friends notice in her. She is truly transforming from the helpless/anxious person she used to be and into a new version of herself that is actively being discovered and living confidence and inner strength.
To connect with Kylie and try her incredible skin products follow her @brda.skincare on Instagram
And to learn more about the Radiance Program and join the winter round visit www.freeyoursoma.com
Read While You Tune In
A: Every day there is a forgetting and every moment there is the possibility of remembering. Remembering who you truly are, awakening to your body, to the inner world and experience of being alive. Here is where you find the beauty, the joy. Here is where you free your Soma. Hello everyone and welcome to the Free Your Soma podcast. I'm here today with Kylie Clifford. She is the owner and founder of Brita Skincare. She's a holistic aesthetician and a graduate of Radiance.
We're going to talk today about her somatic transformation, her somatic awakening over the last year. It's just a little over a year since we started working together and since we met each other. I know, it's crazy. Maybe you could say a little bit about what kind of condition were you in when I met you. We met at a farmer's market where I was doing somatic demos and you were selling your skincare line. You heard that I did this thing and your eyes widened and you were like, there's this story of the last 10 years about my back that I feel like I need to tell you. Right.
K: I remember when I met you. I thought you were a massage therapist and I asked. I was like, oh, you do massage. I'm interested. And you're like, no, I'm a somatic educator. And I was like, I had no idea what that was and you started explaining it. And I didn't understand fully what you were talking about at all. But I was like, I'm really intrigued because of, yeah, my journey with my back. It's been a long journey. Basically, I saw my first chiropractor at 17. I was told that this was like an alternative way of health, you know, of staying healthy of boosting your immune system so you could go three, four times a week and get adjusted.
And so I was like, okay, this, this, I liked how it felt. It was kind of like set up like an assembly line, I would just get my adjustment and I've never had a bad experience with the chiropractor. I love, love them. But that was how I started. And then at 21, I got into a, like a moped accident and I fell on my left side of my face, the left hip and the left shoulder, just like bam on the floor and it, it adjusted my body to where I would start throwing my back out every year, at least once a year from the time I was 21. And so now my relationship with the chiropractor kind of changed. It was like, now I need to go to the chiropractor.
But I was still going, you know, three times a week or so. And if I didn't go, I would be in pain. So I became really dependent on chiropractors to get me out of pain and to keep me moving through life. And then the pandemic happened and I couldn't see a chiropractor. So a lot of fear arose in me and just, you know, not knowing what to do. I was still working out. I've always worked out. And so I started, yeah, just like seeing a physical therapist I saw acupuncturists after COVID, because I was trying to kind of wean myself off of chiropractors because I started noticing I don't want to be dependent. You know, I want to, you know, feel stronger and more capable in my body and not need someone to put me back together.
And so then yeah, when I started working with you, it was like the somatic awakening happened. And I started kind of unraveling like, Wow, what have I been doing to my body, you know, like I've been working out, crossfit, lifting weights, carrying, I was doing mobile spa work at the time. So I was carrying my massage table up flights of stairs, driving a lot, coming home late, putting on four inch heels, going out dancing for hours, like my poor body and it was just so tight and so constricted. And then there's this fear that was in my body, like there's so much going on.
So, working with you really helped to unravel all of that, bring more space and movement into my body, and, you know, heal like a lot of the emotional things that were going on the fear. And I developed empowerment for myself. And I mean, yeah, it was amazing.
A: Yeah, well, and what I think was interesting too is that, you know, you actually at this point had experienced another somatic modality you had been ralphed right you had gone through ralph. And that was the first part of your somatic awakening, meaning you in that ralphing experience and review telling me that like, you realize that there were memories, and there were emotions that were connected to different parts of your body. Right.
K: Yeah. Oh, yeah, almost forgot about I did you know three sessions of ralphing so it's 10 sets of 10 sessions each. And I think that was the first time I felt kind of like it was almost like this euphoric kind of like I'm on something feeling where I'm just like, Oh my gosh, I'm here, like I'm here, it maybe it was an embodiment moment, like I was feeling embodied because, you know, I mean they go into your mouth, like, I mean, it's painful but it you know it just I tried a lot of things. A lot of things. Um, you know, I do I did really like that but looked like where I'm at now.
Um, I, I, since I know myself better, I feel like what's more aligned is is more gentle than ralphing for sure but but I did I did have an embodiment experience with ralphing and also with physical therapy I found a really good physical therapist and it was like, that's when I started kind of having body awareness because he made me accountable for things he wasn't just like do this and do this he was like, What do you feel where are you feeling this like where are you in your body so I didn't realize how disconnected I was from my body for sure.
A: Yeah, you know, and I think that those approaches while they may not specifically call themselves, you know, like a somatic approach like a Ralfa usually calls himself a Ralfa even though it is a somatic modality, you know what I mean, and a physical therapist who's having you really connect in and asking you questions and like you said, holding you accountable but in the same way it's also like giving you back your power, saying, you know, your response you're, you know, giving you an opportunity to be self responsible, and not just go through the motions or just do whatever you want to want That's what they what right.
Those approaches really are a more somatic approach, meaning they're asking you to sense into what you're experiencing moment to moment, and to make self adjustments, because you know and this is of course coming from a somatic educator here but we are self adjusting self healing creatures, like that is what our bodies do, you know, and even in the case of like say, you know, a bad habit or pattern that we pick up from somebody else or that we, you know, becomes comes as a result from something outside, right, like say you met some, you know, physical therapist or a trainer and they said just do this exercise, right, they tell you that and then you take it on and you are the one who is perpetuating you are the one who's continuing to choose to do that exercise, even after they're, you know, gone out of your space, even if it's been, you know, seven years and like they're no longer even, you know, thinking about you and you're still doing this thing that they told you to do it's always you always comes back to what you're deciding and choosing to do.
Right. So often we're trying to like, imagine that it's somehow happening out there, right when it's actually happening in us.
K: Yeah, and I think that that's the problem, you know, with what I was doing is I was being told what to do and just going through the motions of doing it and almost like autopilot, and it was it ended up being more destructive because I was over compensating I wasn't doing it right I was just getting it done movements, you know, and so yeah, I mean, it's funny. That's not how, you know, things are like the world, a lot of instructors a lot of therapists like it they don't work somatically. And so it's, um, yeah it's really interesting, like the difference.
A: Well, and it's a retraining, you know, of that checking in with ourselves and actually asking how do I feel, you know, how is my where is my body right now and what is it feeling. And so, you so, you trying to override that so that we can operate in a certain way so that we can fit into the mold of going to school so that we can fit into the mold of our family that we learn to override our internal sensations and not be present to them in order to be part of society.
K: So true. It's so true and a lot of our parents didn't know how to, you know, raise us to be to advocate for ourselves and to be self, you know, sensing you just had to be a good girl do the right thing. And so yeah you do lose you do I definitely lost that I don't know if I ever had it but I grew it I gained it.
A: And you did so in such a short amount of time considering how long this stuff was going on, you know, like we were just chatting a little bit before this interview began and I asked you you know how are you feeling and you're like, oh yeah I feel good and you're staying your back feels good and like, you know, it's amazing that you can go from having this entire story of 10 years of your back being this big overwhelming fearful challenge to sitting here saying you feel good.
And that's like, that's like a new reality a new normal that you're getting to experience, you know, so, you know, to go back a little bit into when you joined the program, we'd already been working together one on one and I invited you into the program. And then in the program we just go on a really deep dive of this stuff. And I remember you talking about how things were really shifting in your body. Do you kind of remember that time do you remember kind of the beginning of this if you can go back like, what did you experience when your body was shifting what things were showing up for you.
K: Gosh, I don't even know. I think I was just, it was, I remember being really tripped out at afterwards how my posture was like perfect I felt like I don't even know, not myself, just like perfect upright posture and it didn't hurt. I didn't feel didn't feel didn't feel didn't feel And yeah, I think I remember that being like the most exciting part because I've always wanted good posture, and it's always been really challenging and exhausting for me to, you know, sit up straight and, and it wasn't. like, yeah, just like effortless. So I was like, more please.
A: Yeah, yeah. And there was also these moments, you know, because we talk about stress and we talk about reflexive patterns. And, you know, I know for me, as I started doing this work of unwinding, and I talk about this a lot in one of my first podcast episodes about releasing my belly. But for me, a lot of it was, you know, what we call red light or like a fear pattern that I had in my belly and in my legs, where when I wasn't thinking about it when I was just relaxed, supposedly, right, and just, you know, sitting in the chair somewhere, I would catch myself like squeezing my legs together. You know, they just be squeezing and I'd have to like consciously stop squeezing them, you know, in the same way that maybe someone catches themselves slumping. And then they straighten themselves up, they're like, Oh, gosh, I'm slumping, you know, in this terrible posture, and we straighten ourselves up, or I would relax my legs apart. But as soon as I wasn't thinking about it again, that pattern was back, because it was this unconscious pattern in my nervous system that was running. Do you remember some of the patterns that were showing up for you?
K: Yeah, definitely. Fear in my lower back. It was kind of like I started noticing, you know, if I was driving with my husband and he's kind of a crazy driver and he would kind of like, you know, do a quick move and I would tense my back and my stomach. And I noticed, you know, when I had stressful conversations with family members, same thing, I would tense my lower back and my stomach and one else. Just in the sessions when that was unwinding, I remembered doing that at a really young age as a way to kind of hide my fear. So it didn't show up on my face.
So I remained calm, cool and collected, but my body, especially in that, you know, core region would be super contracted. So it was a coping mechanism. It was a, it was like a, it was a way for me to, you know, keep myself safe and and grounded and together. And if I was doing that since I was, you know, 12 years old, I mean, that's a lot of contraction that and emotional contraction that needed to be, you know, let go of. And how else are you supposed to do that? You know, like, that's why the program was so cool. It's because, you know, I'm a spa girl. Like I get massages, I go in saunas, I hot tubs, you know, all the things. And it still wasn't, I wasn't able to make that connection with my mind and body to let go.
And so, yeah, I was just like really thankful for that. And I remember, you know, there were days when, you know, I would cry in sessions, you know, be like completely like mind blown in sessions. Be, you know, there's just so much that happens because it's a lifetime. It's, it's so much that, that we, that we go through.
A: Yes, absolutely. And, you know, when I would try, you know, honestly to do it alone, it was, it was a lot for me to try to do this stuff alone. It took me a really long time to develop a daily practice of this because of all the things that would show up and feeling like I didn't have anyone around. You could relate to this stuff that I was experiencing and that could make sense of it with me, you know. And so when I finally started, officially started my somatic educator training and then really took this on, you know, it was so powerful to have other people with me on this journey. And it was powerful to have mentors who had been through it, you know, who could simply sit there with me and validate my experience.
And let me fully have it instead of maybe being a little triggered by it or confronted by it or just confused by it, like a lot of people were, you know. And so that's the other thing that I feel like what, you know, part why I've created this program is so that there's a space for this to occur. There's a container for this to take place in where we can really let go of this stuff because we can't. Our bodies are able to do that. They're made to do that. It's just it's not like this. I think we were talking about this before the podcast started too. This technique is not like some special technique that like someone created. It's actually something that somebody discovered and then built a system around this nervous system mechanism that we have. And that's part of what makes it so potent and also makes it so that it kind of goes with anything that you might decide to do with your body.
Which is another piece of this that I feel like you've been discovering is like actually asking that question. What does my body like to do? Because you've also like many of us like me as well. We get it very disciplined or we get very programmed to think that like we should be doing certain things with our bodies. And then once again, ignoring what our bodies are actually saying about that activity or that situation or that relationship. Right. Mm hmm.
K: For sure. It's fun to pay attention and to, you know, to feel into like, you know, oh, even if it's just like hanging out with certain people like, oh my gosh, like that was so fun. And I feel so good, you know, and then maybe noticing, you know, another experience where you're like, oh, I feel kind of drained and just like paying attention to, you know, things like that. And, and yeah, how you feel. I know working out has been definitely a thing for me because it's what I was told you do three times a week to stay healthy and to, you know, to just have a healthy lifestyle. And so that's what I've always done. Never really enjoyed it, but that's what I, but that's what I do. And, you know, the repetition of things and movements and and learning now that that's not really what my, my body likes.
You know, my body likes dancing and swimming and walking and and. And trying to let go of, of what I've always done and and it's it's tough because sometimes I'm like, I'm not doing enough. I'm, you know, but yeah, it the somatic awakenings never end. It feels like it's just, it's just keeps on going and yeah, and the daily practice like I was like hungry for it. I was like, I remember I'm, you know, I wanted to do as much as I could because I was feeling so much and and unraveling so much and I just, I wanted it all. But I think you do have to be ready for it because even though it is these gentle movements, it can be like you said, like really hard and. And it could be a lot. I mean, it is a lot and you know, so. But trying it and having it like plan to seed like you can't, it can't hurt.
A: Right, right. Well, and part of, you know, developing this skill because what you have now is a skill of being able to when you when your body's asking for it when you want to do it, you can lay down and you can use this skill to turn off the tension in your body. You know, and even if you didn't do it, say, went on some, you know, period of time where you didn't do it for like three months, your brain would still have those pathways, even if you weren't using them for three months and you would be a you would never be starting at square one again after this program. Right. And sometimes it's stepping away from something and feeling the absence of that thing that is part of the learning of why you were doing it to begin with. You know, I've learned that over and over in this practice, definitely.
So, obviously in the program, it's a strong encouragement that everybody, you know, at least experience what a daily practice is like, even if that's five minutes, you know, up to 20 minutes a day that you're being invited to do that during the program, you know, to get the most out of it to build that skill level. But then, you know, once people finish the program, it's going to be kind of, in a way, their own journey with their relationship to their body and how much they're going to do of this practice, you know, after the program ends, you know, and some people are going to have their bodies demand a daily practice for various reasons. And there are other people where their bodies aren't demanding that right now, but they know they have that ability when the time comes when something shows up in their lives, and they need that extra support in their nervous system. Right.
K: Yeah. Oh yeah, I love having this skill. It's invaluable. I mean, I was just taking like a prenatal yoga class and I found myself doing some little neck exercises on my own, like towards the end of the class. And I kind of, you know, took a break for a while to just feel into my body changing because I'm pregnant. And but then I went on a little retreat to Mount Shasta and I was with a bunch of girls and we were laying on the floor, you know, looking at the stars and I found myself doing somatics. And I just needed it. I didn't even know I needed it. I mean, I wanted to do it and, you know, just had a couple minutes for myself.
No one even can tell you're doing anything. I mean, it's so, it's so special and it's so, I don't know, it's just, it's just having like an amazing tool in your, in your pocket that you could, you know, especially when traveling or when stressed or yeah, there's, you could do it when you're sitting and it's, it's a way to come back into your body and to, to calm everything. And I mean, like, who wouldn't want that?
A: Right. Well, that's what I often, I often feel about this is like if people really knew what this was, they wouldn't hesitate, you know, but then of course, not every person feels safe to become relaxed. And that's also something that, you know, I've run into a few different times and we might run into in these like small ways is like, who am I when I'm relaxed and when my life is peaceful and when I'm calm, do I actually know that person like, who is that person, you know, and are there people that I'm that And so, parts so, me that are craving what's familiar, which is stress and fear and frustration and conflict. And so, do I find myself, you know, creating that or being drawn to that, because it's familiar.
Right. And then, you know, that what if we're whatever we want to call it if we want to call it self sabotage or like an upper limit problem, but it also is just a way that our bodies are trying to return to something that they know. And so, it's a practice. It really is a practice over time of being comfortable being relaxed, because many of us have been learning to be comfortable being like tense, we've been tolerating tense muscles. But kind of coming back to this, this other theme that's been going on for you. It's, it's so incredible that now you are able to take care of yourself.
That you're not dependent on a specific person in a specific building, you know, at a specific time of day to come out of your discomfort that you can do that like you said, sitting in a chair or when you're traveling and that you can come back home to yourself in this way like you at a few different times to have said such really wonderful, really powerful, insightful things about what that's meant for you to feel this sense of empowerment.
K: Mm hmm. It's amazing. There's so many things. And I'm like, let me try this thing, but it actually was the answer for me. The self empowerment. The, oh gosh, it helped. It helped even just my sense of self in general. Yeah, knowing who I am knowing where I am in space. Feeling into my body how my body feels. I mean, Yeah, it's crazy. It, I definitely I love still, you know, seeing my acupuncturist once a month and I found a pregnancy chiropractor that I now see once a month. And she actually told me that I was over adjusted. And so anyone that is doing what I was doing, going too much to the chiropractor. There is a thing as being over adjusted. You know, too much of a good thing is sometimes not good. So, yeah, she's, you don't need, you don't, I don't need, most of us don't need someone else coming in to, to, you know, fix them or to make them healthier and better. And there are there lot of times we just need to feel into where we're at.
And, yeah. Oh, it's, I don't even know, I don't even know it's so much, but it's, it's everything to be empowered, because I remember, oh gosh, we went on our, our honeymoon, me and my husband and I threw my back out, we were in Greece. I didn't know what to do. I was like, I have to find someone to put me back together and I'm, you know, relatively young, I just, you know, it was, it was really sad and scary for me to be so dependent on other people and to not know, you know, how to, how to really take care of myself and now, you know, I'm going on seven months pregnant and yeah, like you were telling me you're like, how are you feeling and I, it's hard for me to even remember where I was at because I'm just not there anymore. Like I feel normal. I feel good. Yeah, that's weird.
A: Yeah, you know, and it's funny when, because I hear this a lot, like, you know, when people will finish, like, you know, a session or something. And they'll say, like that they feel normal. But what they mean is like, I feel like how I like feel like I should have felt but that I didn't feel because we can feel when things are often our bodies but we can't like explain it. And we don't know why it's happening. There's this kind of like mystery and it all just gets kind of pushed together into this like something's wrong with me, something's wrong with me, kind of feeling, you know, because we don't know, like, why my back is getting, you know, throwing out all the time. And maybe it was that motorcycle accident, maybe it was this, maybe it was that when you start realizing that it's this accumulation of everything, including your thoughts and your feelings that have been going on, that are all like, that are all coming together to create this phenomenon of your back going out.
It's kind of like, Oh, wow, there's suddenly this sense of you being responsible for that experience. And if you're responsible for it, it makes sense that there must be a way for you to undo that. There must be a way for you to shift out of that if you created it, right, if we created the circumstances of our lives, then we can create anything if we created this, right, kind of that idea of like, you know, that we're all always manifesting something, but we're often unconscious to what it is that we're manifesting. So it feels like a shock and a surprise when we have certain experiences in our bodies. Right. But you know, to kind of go back to what I remember you saying you remember you sitting, it was probably like, December, November, December last year, we just started the program like October 28, I think. And you were sitting there. And you said to me, Am I really going to know what my body wants? Like, is that actually going to happen? Am I going to know what my body needs and wants? Because I feel like I've never really known that. And I don't I can't imagine that right now. And I'm serious, Kylie, like, less than a month and a half later, I think you were like in Costa Rica or something. And you were texting all of us, you're like, I know exactly what I want. I know exactly what my body needs.
K: It's so weird, because I don't even remember, but it's so true. It's, it's like, and I have those two trips to kind of remember, and I went to Peru with one friend, and we both were in the friend I went with is actually in your program now. But we were going on 18 hour days, like hiking and sightseeing and, you know, sleeping and hostels and I mean, we were just, we wanted to do everything, see everything we didn't, we didn't know when we were hungry, we weren't taking care of ourselves, we would hold our if we had to pee, we would just hold it. You know, we were just like, we were, we would come home and just be exhausted messes just I we both ended up getting COVID on this trip, like we just we both were just dying because we wanted to do and see everything, and couldn't figure out or tap into what we needed.
And then fast forward to Costa Rica with my other friend who's also in your program right now. So funny. And we just, well, I mean, I, I was able to fully take care of myself, like, I would wake up I would do my little movements, we would eat breakfast, you know, we would, we were at we went to a festival so we would, you know, take a car to the festival, and then, you know, party and dance and swim and then we would eat dinner, go to the bathroom when we needed to come home. We weren't going out all night, we weren't stressing our bodies out we were really taking care of our bodies. And so when we came home. It was like we actually went on vacation. When I got back from Peru, it was like I needed a vacation. So, yeah, big difference, big difference.
A: Yeah, yeah. And I remember you, you know, messaging us with this sense of feeling this sense of empowerment of like, you know, that you're really like listening and taking cues, and that you could kind of support your friend in that that you could actually have the capacity to notice her and her needs, and and accommodate them while also like having good boundaries with your own needs. Yeah, there was a sense of being able to like do more than just survive. Totally.
K: Yeah, we took breaks I taught her some somatics we relate we took naps, you know, it was it was everything it was like really enjoyable. Versus like the kind of FOMO energy of like needing to do it all see it all, and just not take care of yourself like that's that that wasn't it. It used to be it for a lot of my life but you know, it's, yeah, I like this way better.
A: It's a you know, it's a different era in your life because now you're becoming a mother, and that's going to be all about finding ways to balance out not only yourself, but yourself in relationship to another little being who's going to be very dependent on you. You know, and so I mean I'm really, I'm really excited that you know there's going to be another mother out there in the world, who is practicing their own somatic awareness, because your kid is going to experience that your kid is going to grow up with this reality of, we don't have to hold on to the stuff in our bodies physically that we would otherwise hold on to like because you because you have that experience of being able to let that stuff go. You know so they're, they're automatically going to be, you know, given that perspective, simply because that's something you've spent time doing.
K: Yeah. Oh, excited to all the things to come.
A: Yeah, yeah, and I'll have to show you because there are some very simple, small ways, you know when the baby comes will put like together some time because I've been doing more and more prenatal work. I've been doing more midwives I think I mentioned this to you came to one of my prenatal classes right. There are some really simple stuff, things that you can do with your baby, and then simple stuff that you can do like with your toddler, you know when they have an acre of pain, but you can help them integrate it in their nervous system, like, right away because their nervous system so fresh, you know, I love that.
K: What about like labor, labor moves.
A: I know I got to get pregnant again and go through that so I can teach more on it, because when I had my son five years ago, I was still struggling to have a daily practice, you know, to be totally honest like even though I've been practicing a long time. It was hard for me during my pregnancy for a whole lot of reasons to make that part of it. You know, so I feel like if I did go through that again which I might I may husband and I talk about it, then I would be able to kind of use that as a time to experiment with how to really incorporate that into labor, because I definitely know that it can be incorporated into labor.
But I'll say in general, if you can do your pregnancy series, like, before like the, like, final five days or whatever before your due date, just really pump up the semantics it's going to put your body into that rhythm. It's going to make the birthing process easier because you're going to be able to let your body do what it needs to do and those muscles, and those bones need to open for you to actually bring the baby out are going to know how to do that they're, they're not going to be accidentally hypertonic and preventing that from occurring. Okay.
K: Yeah, definitely keep it up. Because yeah, that's, that's the whole thing I got my first kind of like, I think it was like a Braxton Hicks type thing. Yeah, it's I'm like, there's, and I haven't taken any classes yet. So I'd, you know, so I'm just it was kind of shocking. But yeah, it's kind of like, what do you do. It's so you know, hard at the stomach hardens and it's like so painful and you're just kind of like, I don't know what to do. I don't know. You know, so I know you get more used to them the contractions like during labor but I'm wondering, I could see I could see some kind of, you know, movement maybe to help move through the pain some somatic kind of movement. Sure.
A: Yeah, absolutely.
K: Pregnancy series is going to be really helpful.
A: Yeah, and then you'll want to continue the pregnancy series like the first couple of weeks after you have the baby before you go to the regular practice again. Okay. But yeah, I'll keep, I'll keep discovering more about it and integrating things because, you know, that's like you said, like there's no end to this somatic awakening. And there's no end to this somatic journey as we discover, you know, spaces in our bodies or in our consciousness that we were unaware of. It just keeps going, which is actually really wonderful when we realize that that means there's, you know, there's no end to how alive and embodied we can become. Right. And sometimes when we have those It's like a regression or they feel like we're going back to some previous conditioning or pattern. It's not really that it's more like a review that's how I started to think about it. It's not a regression.
It's a review like when you finish that chapter of like a textbook. Right. There's that little space on the last page where they give you a review of like everything that came before in this chapter of the textbook. You know, before you move on to the next chapter you got to have a review. Right. So I started thinking about it like that. When we come across these times in life where we feel like we're going backwards somehow or we're falling back into an old pattern or old behavior. It's not a regression. It's a review. Going to the next chapter. I like that. Yeah, totally. Hello. Well, yeah, it's been just such an amazing year to meet you and to meet, you know, some of your really awesome and amazing friends who are now in the program and to witness their development and just being able to spread this work more because, you know, people don't know that this exists. And I'm, you know, incredibly grateful for the way that you've been amplifying and sharing this work in your own life because you're inviting more people in your world to experience this empowerment that you're experiencing.
K: Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the physical, I was, you know, mostly concerned with the physical, but what came with the physical was a lot of emotional. And so that's actually what I've been sharing with my friends and I haven't even really been sharing they've been seeing and feeling. And so then we just start talking about it. Like the self regulating aspect of it. And during the program, you know, I had found out that my grandma only had like three months to live. And so, you know, the practice also helped me, you know, mourn the loss, helped me deal with the grief, helped me move through everything. You know, there were times when, because it's, I mean, it's long.
There were times when I, you know, had to go home, you know, spend time with family. And I was able to feel into, you know, my nervous system and how it's normally a little bit dysregulated and, you know, my emotions and how I can calm myself like self-sooth and actually regulate, you know, my emotions. And if I can't, you can communicate that. I mean, all these things are really important. I mean, it's definitely, you know, a gift. And I know, and whatever you bring into the program is valid, whether it's physical, emotional, whatever you, wherever you're at, it's really, it's a safe space to kind of just let go of everything and feel into everything. And then it's a lot. Yeah. My friends are all really, really enjoying it. And the stories I'm hearing and I'm like, oh yeah, I know, I know.
A: Well, that's a beautiful distinction that you made that it's, you know, the sharing of this work is not coming like as you proselytizing. It's coming from your radiance. It's coming from people noticing a shift in you and noticing you operating in a different way and that that's inspiring the conversation and inspiring the interest is that you're showing up differently in your personal relationships too.
Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for coming on today and sharing your story, sharing about this awakening that you've been going through. I know it's going to continue. We're going to continue to know each other and involve, you know, as we do as human beings. And I'm excited for this next phase in your life as you, you know, kind of let go of who you were before and step into motherhood because as you'll discover it's quite a transformation in your body and in your nervous system to have a little person in your world. Yeah.
K: And then the hormone shifts and all the things. I'm like, OK, I'm here for it. Let's see what let's see what happens. And yeah, I definitely, you know, feel supported and and, you know, embarking on this. And last year, I don't know if I if I felt that way. What was it? Yeah.
A: It seems longer ago because somehow it seems you're go because you've been through so much between now and then. Yeah. It was only a year ago. Yeah. It's funny. One other woman that I worked with last year, about two months into she just, I mean, we did like one session and I have this happen sometimes where people just do one session. I tell them to do, you know, some movement every day and they just do it and they just get really into it. So she just started doing it every day after that first session, you know, and was really getting it. And within two months after that, she became pregnant and she said that she'd been trying for a while and she hadn't. And she felt that this put her body and honestly, like her spirit into a space where that was just going to occur for her more easily because she didn't have these blockages in the way and she didn't. She wasn't in this state of dysregulation that she had been in. So I'm sure that that played a part in like making your body like a place for this to occur more smoothly for you. Yeah.
K: Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. I mean, yeah, I mean, I've heard so many things that that come up for people and yeah, so many. Yeah, it's crazy. But yeah, I got pregnant pretty fast. It was like, you know, pretty much after the program, I was like, oh, God, hey, guys, this is my news. And that's that was actually one of the many reasons, you know, why I wanted to do the program to it was, you know, I was calling in, you know, something, you know, gentle and and and, you know, I wanted to know myself more, to be more connected to myself and to prepare for this next chapter and feel stronger. Yeah, and I do feel stronger. It's weird. It's really weird. Doing less, doing less makes you feel stronger.
A: Sometimes. And you're because you're not worn out. You're not exhausted. You know, and that's the same thing with releasing your muscles doesn't make them like weak or floppy. It just makes them ready to actually do what you ask them to do. Right.
K: Yeah, I'm so glad we did this because I feel, yeah, like, I'm going to continue to work on letting go of that, you know, mentality that I have to, you know, do the class three times a week, do the weightlifting, you know, and just feel into what my body wants, maybe once it one day and not the next and and that it's okay. You know, it's okay.
A: Well, one of the things you said, I'm not sure if you said it now or when we were talking before, but this idea that like sometimes if you're not working out, which is this thing that you've been doing since you were like 17, you know, three days a week, weights, this repetition, et cetera, taking a class, the words you said were that I'm not doing enough. So kind of that phrase of like, you know, kind of I'm not doing enough. I'm not quite making the mark. It's a, it's a phrase that sort of insists that you are in some kind of deficit in your natural existence here right now as you are, that you're missing something. And that's the question is, is that really true? You know, or is that a perception that's linked to something else that's linked to a, you know, to a past experience? Or, you know, is that a belief that really is true, I guess, right?
K: Yeah, I think it is, but I'm like in it now. So I have to, I have to do some somatic and, and get to the root of that because yeah, it's definitely there. I'm definitely working, working with that still, like the, you know, because I basically stopped working out, you know, being pregnant and, and, and that's one of the reasons why I feel so good in my body is because I'm not, you know, doing so much. And, but there is like this weird kind of like guilt, like that I'm not doing enough, but I should be, you know, especially, you know, our culture. And, you know, I see all of these, you know, pregnant women jumping around and, you know, doing, doing so many things. I'm like, should I be doing that? And, you know, I could, but, you know, what is my body need? And yeah, it's, it's interesting. Definitely. Say that again. Like what does my body need? And then finding the answer and then being okay with that and letting go of, you know, what could be good for someone else?
A: Right, right. And I mean, maybe it's also connected to that FOMO that you mentioned too, that like I got to do it all. I got to be at all. I got to have it all. Otherwise I'm behind or I'm going to miss something. Right. And then, yeah. And then like, and then what? Versus maybe I am enough and maybe I'm doing enough and maybe working out is like this thing that I can choose to do if I feel like it and it's okay if I'm not doing that because, you know, I'm listening to my body. You know, somebody else's experience could be totally different. Somebody else could be like, working out feels really good. And if I don't do it, I feel not as good. But if that's not the case for you, you know what I mean?
K: Right. And just like our food conversation, like if you're eating something and it's tied to, oh, I shouldn't be eating this and you're eating it and you're like, you're also absorbing all of that guilt. And it's like if I'm taking a class or working out and I'm like, oh, I don't really want to be here and this is hard. And, you know, am I really getting a good workout or am I just going through the motions? Am I just going through autopilot and I overcompensating? And then I end up hurting myself. It's like, yeah, there's got to be, you know, a better way. Like if we're going to be, you know, we have to enjoy it. If we're going to eat a donut, we just have to enjoy it.
A: And have it be in full radical acceptance of that thing and what it is and that, you know, could in some ways not be the best choice and in other ways, maybe it is the best choice right now.
K: And can we accept ourselves? I know. I just found this like amazing bakery where I live now. And oh my God, it made me want to cry. It was so delicious. I don't even know. It was some like chocolate croissant thing. And I was like, oh, I feel like I'm in Paris. You know, it's I needed that moment. And it was, it was great. No guilt. So it was, you know, so that's how I want to live my life.
A: Right. You know, and the thing is too, when guilt shows up, it's just another feeling that's showing up to inform us about something. You know, it's it's not like we have to completely avoid our uncomfortable feelings. Like they're going to show up. It's like, how can we work with them to get what the message is? What's the learning? What is my body trying to say? What is my nervous system trying to say? Is it pointing to this behavior or this doughnut or this situation and saying like, this isn't really in alignment or maybe it's coming from some previous conditioning that's ready to get integrated and let go of it. Could be any number of things. Oh, right. Don't know. And we're just, you know, kind of in this state of tension and contraction when we don't know and when we're not able to connect in and ask those questions and get that feedback right from our bodies and our consciousnesses. Yes.
K: And that's why like as a mom, like a new mom, I want to remember that and I want to ask my, you know, kid, like, how are you feeling and, and, you know, what do you like and really like develop that sense of autonomy? Because I, I don't, I think that that, yeah, it's so important like to know who you are and how you feel. And, and it's, it's definitely different for me. You know, I don't, I don't think I was, I don't think I had that experience. Like, you know, when I was sad, my mom would be like, don't be sad, don't be sad. I'll do anything to make you happy. You know what I mean? Like, but maybe I needed to feel, you know, what was going on, what was making me sad and, you know, but, you know, she did her best and. You know, you know, we love our kids and we just try our best. I'm hoping that. Yeah.
A: Yeah. Hoping I do. You know, when my son is like having a unpleasant experience of some kind, there's part of me that just wants to like scoop him up and make that experience just disappear, you know, and then I have to check myself and be like, he's allowed to have this experience and like, I don't have to be like rushing in to make it different. You know, so it, but yeah, it's definitely hard.
K: Yeah, we don't want to see them sad. And, but yeah. It's a journey. Yep.
A: And it keeps going and going. So thank you once again for coming on the podcast and sharing your story, sharing about your somatic awakening. If somebody wants to reach out to you, if some piece of your story really spoke to them and they want to chat with you, where could someone reach out to you?
K: Um, I'm on Instagram at burda.skincarebrda .skincare.
A: Hello, everyone. Thank you for listening to the Free Your Soma podcast. If you enjoyed this interview with Amanda and feel inspired to learn more about the Radiance program, please go to www.freeyoursoma .com. The next round starts November 4th. Podcast listeners will receive $500 off of the six month program. I'm so excited to see you blossom and shine as the soma, the being that you truly are. So much love to you.